How to Heal
by merick
Summary: What happens to the X-Men after the loss of their leader, how do they cope with the sadness, by coming together, or falling apart? Can something beautiful arise from grief, or only self destruction?
1. Chapter 1

So the thought popped into my head; what if,…? This had spun off my work on Partners, but had no place there and over the last two days took off on its own path. I hope you like it.

Merick

"Whatever the issue is, we have to deal with it now."

"No we don't Rogue."

"You may be able to shove this animosity out of your mind Scott, but I can't. And I am not leaving here without knowing what your problem with me is."

"I should think I'd made that very obvious by now."

We were facing off in the center of his office. At my arrival he'd finally come out from behind his desk; the one that looked like Xavier's. Damn, if truth be told the whole damn place looked like Xavier's. It wouldn't have been hard for anyone to figure out whom he was trying to emulate. He'd spent his whole life in the shadow of a great man, and now that that man was gone, he needed to fill the void in the only way he knew: to replace, rather than build on the lessons. At least that was my take on it: which admittedly could have been clouded by the anger I felt towards him. I figured you had to earn respect, not step into someone else's shoes and simply expect it.

I could have had that respect for him, but not anymore. It had been a year since Xavier had been lost to us; and we had all dealt with our grief in different ways. He apparently did not approve of my methods and had been riding me, fueling a greater sense of derision and venom between the two of us.

I had never had a problem with Scott before; I had even harbored the hope that Scott would step up, in his own way, and give us the point to rally around. But I suppose none of us really had any point once Xavier was gone. That fact saddened me, as I knew it would have saddened Xavier; to know that he was the only glue that had held all of us together. He had wanted it to be the teamwork, but we had, all of us, fragmented in our own grief once he was gone.

Oh certainly, Scott had those who wanted desperately to keep the X-Men together, and all of us had really tried. We still went out on missions together, and in the heat of battle we were everything Xavier had dreamed of. But back in the mansion we were 'Ronin', a word Logan had taught me: lone warriors. At least the more senior of us were. Those who were junior students clung to Scott's authority, having nowhere else to turn, especially now that the possibility of their own mortality had been thrown in their faces.

Piotyr had left months ago, awash in grief, and Kitty had followed him, needing to comfort him as much as to take comfort from him. They had returned to his native Russia. I heard from her once in awhile, they were trying to build a life there for themselves.

Storm was still here; she would always be here for the children. Kurt had gone away and returned several times over the months, searching for a place where he belonged. And though I sensed he was not comfortable with everything as it now stood, he needed, by his very nature, to stay in the fight against evil, and he needed to be here. He'd figure it out for himself soon enough.

Jean was here, out of tribute to what Xavier had started, and the technology she had at her disposal was addicting, well perhaps that is the wrong word, perhaps helpful or integral, to continuing Xavier's dream, no matter how her husband was perverting it.

Logan came and went as he saw fit, just as he had always done. But lately even he was taking more assignments from the Canadian government. I had reason to believe that they wanted him to head up his own domestic team, and this time they had obviously found enough incentives; proper ones, to keep him talking. His longer absences had finally forced me to make my own decisions about staying or going, and Scott's attitude had tipped the balance.

Logan and I had found each other after a drunk one night up on the roof. He didn't get drunk easily, but was sure making a good attempt at it that night; and it was my birthday, and Xavier always remembered my birthday. No one else did, and me and my bottle of bourbon were feeling mighty sorry for ourselves that night.

I was two or three shots in when I heard him scrabble up the roof beside me, the last two beers in their plastic ring holder, swinging from the index finger on his left hand. He plunked himself down beside me, pulled one beer free, popped the top, took a swig and finally turned to me.

"Beer?" he asked, I held up my bottle.

"No thanks, I'm good."

He nodded, finished off his open beer, crushed the can and tossed it into the yard.

"I'll pick it up tomorrow."

"Whatever." I had another drink from the bottle and continued to stare out into the night sky.

"What are you celebrating?" The sarcasm was obvious.

"The usual I suppose."

"How wonderful things are in our lives right now?"

"Yeah, spot on." I had another drink, he finished his second beer and the can joined its mate on the lawn. I held out the bottle for him.

"Thanks." He took a drink too and handed it back, grimacing, "that tastes like shit."

"Yeah well."

"But seriously Rogue, what's going on?"

"Absolutely nothing." Bloody hell I was being obtuse. "Sorry Logan. I just felt like feeling sorry for myself for awhile."

"Want me to leave?"

"No, company would be nice actually." Maybe it was the bourbon talking, I didn't care, and neither did Logan it seemed. He slid a little closer to me. I still had my gloves and body suit on, so he wasn't in any danger, even drunk that part of my nature was always in the forefront of my mind. I finally looked up at his face, stone, as it always was, but with a purpose behind his eyes.

"I just need to stop thinking about things here for awhile." I swung the bottle around a bit, and Logan caught it mid ark in my swing.

"Well, that'll take care of it, but you'll hurt in the morning."

"At least I'd feel something other than grief."

"Maybe I can help with that." He had a new look in his eyes, one that I recognized. "You want to come back to my room?"

"You got a death wish?"

"Oh I'm sure we can come up with something."

That was how it had started, we found a respite from the pain with each other, and Logan had been right, we found a way; his healing factor giving us a bit more time. I think he actually liked the risk involved, maybe it helped to make him feel alive again too. I had no illusions that I was the only woman he was sleeping with; it didn't matter. Friends with benefits, that was all I needed, mostly it was just a port in the storm. But Scott saw my coping strategies differently. And now my support system was thinking about leaving, and I needed to make my own decision; and I had. I had come to Scott's office to tell him I was going, not necessarily to follow Logan, he had not asked me, only knowing that I had to get away. But I wasn't going to leave with the knot in my stomach, wondering what the hell was going on in Scott's head. I had enough eating away at me.

And so here we were, shouting at each other again.

"I have my own theories Scott, about why you've decided to treat me like shit, but rather than give you more ammunition, why don't you just humor me this one last time and tell me the truth."

"Just go Rogue, you don't want to be here, and I don't want you here where you can poison anyone who might actually be loyal to me."

"Is that was this is about? You don't think I'm loyal to you? Good God you are arrogant Scott." He said nothing. "When we are in the field don't I always follow the game plan? Your plans? Just like always?" I had to admit that Scott was an excellent strategist; he had always given the orders on missions, even before.

"No Rogue, you're good in the field. And you are a real asset to the team."

"Then what?"

"It's what happens when we get back."

"What I do on my own time is none of your God-damned business, or anyone else's." I wasn't giving up my anger easily, it felt too good to let loose.

"You made it my business, and everyone else's when you started drinking and started sleeping with Logan!" Oh boy, he had venom too it seemed, and he liked the feeling of it as well. Now the truth was out.

"I don't ever drink in front of the students! And I've never missed an assignment, or put anyone at risk! And who I choose to sleep with is my choice!"

"And the young ones who avoid you in the halls after dark?"

I had had no idea I was inspiring fear, part of me felt ashamed at that revelation.

"Why do you drink Rogue?"

"Because then I don't have to think about him, or feel the loss for a while."

"We all miss him Rogue." Could I be imagining it? Was his voice getting softer?

"Well I guess I'm just not the 'crying in the shower' type anymore."

"No, apparently you're the 'casual sex will make me feel better' type." Ok, the animosity was back, in full force.

"That was cruel! You can go to hell Scott! I haven't said word one about your coping methods! You're just trying to replace Xavier! Maybe you even think you can become him," I spun in the room, my arms outstretched. "Everything you do channels his ghost!" Now it was his turn to be defensive.

"I am following his path, his dreams!"

"Make some of your own Scott! You aren't him and you never will be! And as soon as you can accept that you can start moving forward!"

I was as shocked as him at the words that had come out of my mouth. They were the truth, but I had never coherently stepped into his shoes before, not enough to really see. We stood, facing each other silently as the ramifications of all the accusations cut into us. He was the first to speak, and it was barely above a whisper.

"You could have come to me." Behind his ruby glasses I could see the pupils dilate. The scowl on his lips had relaxed to a sad smile and his shoulders, once tensed as if he wanted to pounce at me, had now sunk.

"What?" I answered in question; not believing what I was hearing after so much hatred had been thrust at me.

"I wanted you to come to me," he swallowed hard, this was obviously killing him to say out loud. "You were supposed to come to me."

At that point I didn't know exactly what he had meant. Did he mean that he had expected all of us to pour our grief out to him and wait for his sage advice to transcend our misery? I thought not, this seemed a lot more personal, and as it ran around in my head my own expressions softened, his words had managed to completely deflate me.

"You said I should make my own dreams Rogue?" I was beginning to regret every word I had spit out in anger. "Well I did, hundreds of nights lying awake, dreaming of how you would come to me, how you would trust me to help you, just as you trust me in the field."

I shook my head, "I didn't know, you never said anything."

"I meant to, dozens of times." This was news to me, and besides disarming my adversarial posture; I was beginning to feel weak in the knees. "I came to find you, on your birthday."

"You know when my birthday is?" I was shocked; Scott only smiled, just a little.

"But I heard you and Logan up on the roof, and I couldn't join you. I guess I figured you'd find your comfort with him too, just like all the women around here seem to."

His voice had such regret in it, something here was so deeply personal that his words, which might have stung me five minutes ago didn't affect me at all.

"Jean?" I ventured, knowing I was overstepping. I gave Scott credit though; he kept looking straight into my eyes as he answered me.

"The day of the funeral, I don't know how many times afterwards."

"Oh Scott, I'm so sorry." And I meant it.

"I gave up caring about it a long time ago Rogue. I just wanted someone to need me again, for me, not as a leader, just as me. I wanted that person to be you, and I let myself get carried away in the fantasy."

"I was a fantasy?" I was beyond shocked at the way this conversation had turned, but Scott seemed bolder with every moment. His hands reached out to the silk scarf I was wearing around my neck. He pulled gently at one end and it slipped free.

"You still are." He brought the mass of nearly transparent fabric to his face and breathed in my scent from it.

"Was I meant as some kind of revenge on them both? Or replacement?"

"Never. I just wanted you, and wanted you to want me." He twisted the ends of my scarf around his fists. When I had first walked into the room, had he been doing that I would have assumed that he planned to garrote me, but now I had no insight. I stood my ground as he took the two steps, which separated us. He raised the silk in his hands and put it over my lips, and then he brought his mouth down over mine and pushed his entire body against me.

It's not that Scott wasn't attractive. He certainly was, in the cover boy model sort of way. Perfect hair, perfect teeth, pressed clothes, soft skin, he was the antithesis of Logan. Logan was the kind of guy who you hooked up with for a good, animalistic, passionate tumble, one who would likely never call you again, or even bother to learn your name. But one that would rock your world for the half hour or so of it that you let him have. Scott was different, Scott was someone who you could think about making love with, spending a whole night with, touching, and tasting and fitting into. You could. And until that moment, I had never, ever, thought of such a thing. But the insistent crush of his mouth against mine, and the nearness of his body and I could think of little else, and I wrapped my arms around his back, and pulled my body against his with as much force as I had. I could feel his chest heaving against mine, and I could feel the pressure growing against me as he became aroused. And I could feel myself responding to him, and I was lost.

When he did pull his mouth away from me I had to take several hard breaths just to steady myself. He dropped his hands, and the silk and I was able to look at him directly in the face, we were still pressed together, both perhaps, too afraid to make another move. What had been anger for so long, while seemingly easily dispelled, was really not. And I needed a moment to put my head back on straight and sort out what the hell was going on. But at the same time, the closeness of his body made me want so many different things.

"You dreamed about this?"

"A thousand times."

"And it's what you want, knowing everything you do about me?"

"Could I be what you want? Knowing every word of anger I have hurled at you over the last year?"

I had forgotten them all in that moment. I gave him my answer by brushing my gloved hands down in between us, resting them on the front of his perfectly pressed trousers, pushing just gently against his desire there. He moaned softly, still staring into my eyes.

"I hope I can live up to the fantasy."

He curled his head around to whisper into my ear, "you already have." Then the silk was back over my face, and he pressed kisses against my eyes, the bridge of my nose, then its tip, both cheeks, and back to a waiting mouth, desperate for him by then. Nimble fingers, despite the gloves, had undone the waistband of his pants, and the zipper, and were beginning to caress him; shyly because though my body had made it quite clear what it wanted, my mind was still catching up.

He pushed the tip of his tongue against the silk, seeking my own, and nervously they touched and tasted for the first time, it didn't even matter at that point the limitations of my powers, all I felt was the desire growing to have very part of him that I could. My hands continued their work, feeling the heat of his body, even through his boxers, and I found that it greatly excited me to be able to make him tremble the way it seemed I could.

"I don't want to wait any longer for you Rogue, please, I need you now." The silk was curled back around one fist, and his other hand was working on the buttons of my jeans.

"Here?" I was a little concerned about how we were going to go about this.

"I have condoms in my desk."

"Really?" Perhaps there was a bit more surprise in my voice than I had meant there to be, but it hadn't stopped his work opening the front of my jeans, and beginning to slide them off my waist.

"I always had hope." I could do nothing but smile as he lifted me from the floor to lay me on top of the desk, cleared of all work, as Scott's desk always was by the end of the day. He fumbled in a lower drawer, underneath his files and pulled out what he was searching for, them turned back to me.

"Yes?" He asked, once more for reassurance.

"Yes."

And he was straddling me, and running his hands over me, urging me to guide him. I did, my mind still trailing a few steps behind. And then I felt him brush himself against me, and my whole body trembled with the anticipation, and then he thrust himself inside me with a deep moan as I enveloped him, and wrapped my arms around his back, drawing him to me deeply. His movements were frenzied, long denied passions finally released, along with the anger and the sadness of not knowing where or how to focus. I let myself cry out to him, and it only fed his desire, and in moments I could feel the tension in his muscles begin to build and it only fed my own. His breaths were staccato, and then he gave himself to me with a cry of pure delight, it nearly brought tears to my eyes, even as I came for him. And his paced slowed, moving against me until he became still, and simply looked down at my face, smiling. I could not tell what was on his mind at that moment as his face hovered over mine.

"Close your eyes." I did. And then I felt his mouth touch mine again, but this time there was no silk, and his tongue forced into me, and danced with me, and I felt the drain of my power begin, only seconds after realizing the bliss of real human touch. I threw him off of me as I felt the burning begin in my eyes, knowing I was taking his beams. I kept my eyes closed as I sat, trying to face the direction I had pushed him away. I did not know what might happen if I opened them, and I did not know if I had hurt him.

"Scott?" I cried out into my self-imposed blackness. "Scott are you ok? Speak to me?"

"I am here." The voice was weak, but definitely alive, thank God.

"Are you insane? Do you have a death wish?"

"I think I used to Rogue, but I'm not so sure anymore."

"Why would you do that?" His fingers brushed through my hair, I started at the touch.

"It was worth it."

I felt something pushed into my hands; glasses."

"They're spares, put them on until the power fades." I fit them over my ears and nose, and only then dared to open one eye; just a crack to make certain it was safe. The whole world was red through the ruby crystal.

"This is what you see?"

"Everyday."

"Wow." Not very original I admit, but I was probably lucky I could even get that coherent thought together at the time. I looked at Scott, my mirror opposite in his own glasses, and then down at myself. Realizing my exposure, I quickly pulled my self to decency. "You're ok aren't you?"

A bright smile lit his face. "I am perfect right now Rogue."

"Is it what you wanted?"

"In almost every way."

"What did I miss?"

"I want to wake up with you beside me, so I know it wasn't just a dream, or a one night stand." I was quiet, suddenly there was so much more to consider, I guess my brain had finally caught up, though apparently it wasn't in total control as of yet.

"Do you want to come back to my room?"

"Yes, I do."

"I came here tonight to tell you I was leaving, you know that right?"

"I thought as much, and I knew it was going to be my last chance."

"And are you happy you took it?"

"I'll tell you in the morning. You aren't going to leave now, are you Rogue?"

"I'll be there in the morning."

"No other promises?"

"Not yet, I still have a lot of healing to do, we both do."

"We could be good for each other."

"Yes we could Scott." I held out my hand and he took it, and we left his office and went up the stairs to my room. Once inside I sat down on the end of the bed and he joined me.

"Can I ask you something Rogue?"

"I'll try to give you a good answer."

"Why do women turn to men like Logan?"

"Because he's the bad boy, the rebel without a cause, the dangerous body that can make you feel safe and frightened all at the same time. He's strong and hard, and can make you forget about everything."

"And why not men like me?"

"Because men like you really scare us Scott. You're sensitive and responsible and dependable, and you don't just give yourself away for pleasure. With men like you there is a commitment to every action, and we're so afraid to disappoint you. Sex is one thing; it's easy, physical, a quantifiable release. But with men like you it's intimacy, and that is so much deeper, and so much more real and frightening."

He thought about that for a few minutes, while he held my hand.

"Shouldn't all that be a good thing?"

"Yes Scott, it should."

"Can I ask you one more thing?"

"Ok."

"Do you have any more silk, because I want to touch you again, and undress you, and make love to you before we sleep."

A tingle ran the length of my body at that point, and a visible shudder.

"Top drawer." I managed to get out, pointing at my dresser. I didn't know what was going to come by morning, perhaps the sunlight would bring an end to the fantasy, perhaps not, but I could wait those few more hours to see. I began to unbutton my shirt, and I laid back on the bed to wait for him to come back to me.


	2. Chapter 2: Doubt

Chapter 2

I liked to sleep with the shutters in my room not quite closed, but just slanted downwards a bit, so that the morning sun would filter in and wake me, rather than an alarm or radio. Theory worked most days, except when it was overcast or wintertime, and then my system awoke me, eventually, even in the grey. I liked it better with the sun. This peaceful warmth falls across your face and, almost like a dimmer switch in reverse, your consciousness is roused in a gentle awakening where you can find yourself paused in the world between sleeping and waking, where every possibility exists, as in a dream. And none of the challenges and difficulties of life intrude. And in the sunlight you can reside in that state for as long as you wish.

This was one such morning. For a few glorious moments I remained lost in the pleasures of the previous night. Not visions exactly, but the bathing warmth of the feelings: of desire, wholeness and happiness. I let myself sigh audibly before opening my eyes and allowing the real world in.

It wasn't until after I opened my eyes to the light, and caught the briefest of glances at the ruby glasses on my nightstand, that reality crashed down on me. I slammed my eyes shut and listened. No sounds of destruction broke the silence. Before my mind even had time to process the questions, which rightly should have come to it first, I was processing whether or not I could still have Scott's powers. A mental checklist arose; I quickly estimated how long it had been since I had touched him; since he had kissed me. The image forced its way into my head. I had to push it aside, despite the trembling it brought to my chest. Ten, eleven, twelve, I counted, it had to have been at least twelve hours since then. I searched my senses for the feeling of pins and needles that I had first registered: nothing. Then I dared to open my eyes, just a little crack, I waited, no destructive beams, I was ok. And now I could let my mind finally free, to examine all of the other ramifications of last night, which apparently; I noted as I turned over in bed, had not been a dream.

Scott was lying beside me, on top of the sheets, - which I was under – with part of the quilt drawn over the lower half of him. His chest was bare, and rose and fell very slowly with his breath. His muscles were smooth under his skin, almost as if they were airbrushed there, so unlike the cords of Logan's chest and the tension there. Scott looked comfortable in his own skin, where Logan often looked as if he was going to rend and tear it, as he pulled forth from it, in some kind of mutant metamorphosis. Still in slumber, Scott's face was gentle, relaxed, even peaceful. I could hardly believe that those very lips – soft, insistent lips – I had to stop myself, had called me a whore twelve hours ago. I had to turn away.

This was what the day brought with it; doubt. The ache in my body betrayed the truth of what we had done last night: not that it wasn't pleasant, truth be told. Looking back, I wish sometimes that I could have been the type of person then, to have not been suspicious, to have been able to believe that things really were just as they seemed. I think I would have been a much happier person if I could have rested in bliss a bit longer. But ugliness crept into my head. Why had Scott done this, and why had he stayed? Was he being honest with me about his feelings or was this all part of some scheme of his, to take his revenge on Jean and Logan and even me? In order to prove his power over all of us was he playing us, betraying Jean the way he felt betrayed, taking a teammate? Taking from Logan, the object that he coveted in his bed, just to prove that he could loose something too? Trying to take my heart from me in order to more thoroughly crush me and prove that he was superior to me in everything? I didn't know, I couldn't know, and the twisting in my gut was in complete contrast to the butterflies that swept up my core to my face whenever I thought of the kiss, and the way he touched me so tenderly under the silk. My heart so wanted it to be real, but I couldn't let myself fall into a trap, and tears came to my eyes with the dichotomy.

A soft voice and a soft hand reached out to me, brushing my shoulder over the sheet that I had wrapped around myself for comfort in my misery.

"Rogue? Are you alright?" He sounded concerned, but I just didn't know. I wiped my tears on the sheet, hoping that my face and eyes didn't look reddened. Then I rolled over to face him, not even sure of how I was going to play this. He was smiling, and he had slipped his glasses on again.

"I'm ok Scott."

"I don't believe you Rogue. Please talk to me. Do you regret what happened last night?"

"I regret a great many things I have done Scott." I took a silk scarf, left over on the bed from our play, wound it over my hand, and brushed his cheek with it.

"And me?"

"I don't know yet Scott, I don't want to." At least that was the truth.

"Thank you for letting me stay last night, it was wonderful to wake up and know you were here beside me." He took my wrapped hand and bought it to his mouth, kissing my palm, and then running his tongue along it, and up my index finger. My whole body quaked, and he knew it.

"What happens now Scott?" I was waiting for him to tell me that now that he had had me that I was welcome to get the hell out. Perhaps it would have been easier to hear that from him, but it wasn't what he said.

"Right now Rogue, I would really like to kiss you again, if you will let me." My heart nodded weakly, and he rolled his body atop me, supporting himself on his elbows, and then pulled another silk over my mouth, pressing against me. I wrapped my hands around his naked back, pulling him onto my body, and even with the sheet between us I could feel his body arch to fit against me. Damn hormones and lust. He looked quite satisfied with himself.

"But Scott? Do you regret what happened?"

"No Rogue, I regret a lot of things too, but not last night."

"And what happens now?" I repeated the question, waiting for some answer that would give me the truth.

"I don't know what to tell you Rogue, I don't know what is going to happen. What do you want to happen?"

"Can we take things slowly Scott? We both have so much healing to do." It was the same thing I had said last night, to try to save myself then, it had just as much effect in the morning as last night.

"Whatever you need Rogue. And about what I had asked you about last night, about Logan? I don't feel right about asking it, it really isn't fair I think, and I shouldn't have asked."

"Until we figure things out Scott, I can't sleep with Logan." Oh, I was going to hell for sure, since I had no idea if what I was saying was going to be followed up on or not.

"Thank you Rogue." He kissed me again. "I wonder if I can ask you another favor?"

"I'll try to do what I can."

"I was thinking, that perhaps it is time to redecorate my office, to exorcise the ghosts as it were." He smiled at me, "A friend mentioned that I might want to try finding my own dreams. I thought that maybe you might like to give me a hand? Maybe we could go out and get some paint, and look at some new furniture? If you like?"

"Yeah, I'd like that." It was my heart that spoke first.

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	3. Chapter 3: Surprise in a cup of coffee

Part 3

"You didn't come in last night." I heard Jean's voice. I was standing just outside Scott's office, the door was slightly ajar, I thought maybe for me, he liked people to knock when they came to see him. I had convinced myself that it was pretentiousness on his part, but maybe it was just the need to be alone. I had been about to rap softly when she spoke. I stopped, withdrew my hand, and stood stock still for a moment, trying to decide what to do. I should have walked away, but I didn't, I was so going to hell. I stepped back from the door and flattened myself against the wall, the wainscoting digging into the small of my back. I needed to know what he was going to say to her.

"No, I ended up working late. I just slept here in the office." He sounded sincere. I had no idea how he could lie to a telepath, but I supposed they must have set some boundaries early on, that she wouldn't just drop into his thoughts unbidden. I had no such bargain with her, and probably should have thought a lot harder about keeping my distance.

"What were you working on?"

"I was thinking about redoing the office."

"That sounds like a good idea, maybe something less formal, maybe more rustic?"

Even I could figure out where that suggestion had come from: Logan's bedroom, with its pine bed and barn board. It was a ridiculous notion for Scott's space. His response belied the truth of his feelings.

"Well, I'll have a look when I go into town today. I have a list of stores made up to see." I knew he had absolutely no intention of purchasing anything of the sort. But I was impressed with how smooth the lies had come, and how very believable they had been. Doubt scored another point. I had to walk away. I headed down to the kitchen to get a coffee, feeling sick to my stomach, and unable to eavesdrop any longer. Of course Logan had to be there, searching for the same thing as me.

It had been one thing to look at him and know that I wasn't the only woman he was sleeping with; that choice had been made with my eyes opened. But to look at him now, and know it was Jean, well, it didn't help the sick feeling in my stomach any. Not that I had any right to stand 'holier than thou' in front of him. Sleeping with Scott had put me in the same moral basket, but part of me was trying to find justification in the fact that his marriage had been broken before I got to him. Only I knew that God didn't likely deal in semantics. Of course God and I hadn't been on good terms in awhile anyways. Any being that could somehow find justification for ending the life of Charles Xavier wasn't good or benevolent in my books. As I said, I was going to hell anyways; if the devil would even have me, I supposed.

I nodded at Logan as I poured sugar into my coffee. "You make the pot?"

"Yup."

I reached for the cream to cut the espresso-like consistency I knew was to come. Cream made it more palatable. I joined him at a table by one of the full windows that looked out over the grounds, more out of habit than anything else. By now people seemed to expect to see us together: two brooding X-Men, more absorbed in self-pity than anything else. Though I supposed that it wasn't fair to lump my grief in with Logan's nature. He'd always been a bit unapproachable, it had taken ages for him to warm up to me I recalled. It took time to earn his trust, though once you had it, it was a powerful force. It had been loyalty to Xavier that had kept him with the X-Men all these years, and now possibly, only the hope of Jean that kept him. I didn't suppose I fit in there anywhere, except for a distracting tumble, but I was having a very negative day pissing on myself for everything, and I was hardly in the position to judge anyone's motives. Apparently I had Logan pegged wrong.

"I went to find you last night Rogue, couldn't find you anywhere."

"Sorry Loan, I had some things to sort out, did I forget about us getting together?"

"No, I just got to thinkin' bout you, and thought maybe you'd like to get out for awhile."

"Sorry."

"No worries darlin' I just ended up taking my bike out for a run."

"Sounds like it would have been fun."

"We could try tonight, weather looks reasonable."

"Yeah, I'll try to find you later if I don't get bogged down with too much crap."

I took the time to really look at Logan as his eyes fell to his coffee. What did I really expect from him now? What had I expected before? His eyes came up to catch me examining him. All I could see was him holding Jean at that moment, and kissing her, and wanting her, I shook my head to clear the images; what right did I have? He smiled at me, enjoying, no doubt, my thoughtful gaze on him. He was probably thinking something very different than I was thinking, but even that sent a shudder across my chest. Damn the animal.

"What's going on in your head Rogue?"

"I'm just trying to sort out what I need to do now Logan." My smile was feeble at best. "I finally had it out with Scott last night."

"Didn't go so well?"

"It wasn't what I had expected." Ok, that was the truth, and then it got dodgy.

"You didn't hurt him did you?"

I laughed, I knew he wasn't serious, but he had heard me rant about Scott's attitude enough in the last few months: and he had heard me threaten to take him down a notch; or something like that, depending on my state of inebriation at the time.

"I think we've come to an understanding."

"How so?"

My mind raced over all the hateful things he had said to me the night before, before the other thing had happened. We had exchanged some pretty heated curses at each other. And then, after, he had asked me not to sleep with Logan any more. What a muddle.

"Well, I don't think he'll be calling me a whore to my face any longer." At least I hoped he wouldn't. Logan nearly dropped his coffee mug at that revelation.

"He called you a what?!" Logan was baring his teeth with that question; I was actually surprised that he seemed to be coming to my defense. It was a good thing we were alone.

"It doesn't matter Logan, don't worry about it." I should have just kept my mouth shut, but it seemed I was bound and determined to test out the depth of all my relationships through conflict right then.

"Where the hell does he get off calling you that?"

I looked right at him, with one eyebrow cocked up as if to say, 'hey, remember the obvious?'.

"You and me?"

I nodded.

"What business is it of his?"

"It doesn't matter Logan." I repeated.

"You want me to talk to him?"

"No." Most certainly not my dear man, what a way to step up a bloodbath that no one would soon recover from. "We have an understanding now."

It took a few minutes for Logan's shoulders to relax and for him to come down from his anticipatory posture. I tried to change the subject.

"So what about you Logan, have you decided about going yet?"

"Pretty much, a few more things to wrap up around here and then I think I'll head out." I wondered what or who those few things could be, but I really did try not to speculate. Really I did.

"Maybe you should come with me? Be my second in command; we've always worked well together you an' me Rogue." Now it was my turn to nearly drop my coffee mug.

"Pardon?"

"I'll have my own team to lead, but I could sure use a second that I could trust from day one."

I was speechless, but my mind was going a million miles a minute. Why would he ask me? If he were in some kind of relationship with Jean, why wouldn't he ask her? He'd been pining for Jean for as long as I had known him. Now it would seem that he had her, why would he think of leaving her behind for me? Or maybe he intended to bring us both along. I wondered how she felt about me, if Scott knew Logan and I were sleeping together, surely Jean did. I was so confused. Logan took my silence for thought.

"Think about it will you?" I nodded, god my life was getting interesting all of a sudden. And to make it even more interesting, at the moment I was staring at Logan like a squirrel caught in the headlamps of a car, Scott came into the room. Logan's low growl and shifting eyes told me who it was before I turned my head. I put a hand out to cover his claws, a subtle way of ensuring that he wouldn't do anything stupid.

"Down boy." I whispered to him as I stood to go and meet Scott. He had stopped his advance into the room at the sight of Logan and I. The look on his face wasn't really angry though, he didn't even make eye contact with Logan, but chose to fix a benign face on me. I smiled at him.

"Am I interrupting something Rogue?" His voice was all business.

"Nope, are you ready to go?" I asked that part more quietly, but Logan probably heard me anyways.

"If you still want to."

"Of course." Then I had to screw up my face as Logan called out over the length of the room.

"So I'll see you tonight? And think about what I said."

I could have slammed my own fist into my forehead; I know exactly why he did it, to rattle Scott, to make him believe that we were planning on having sex tonight. Even if he didn't understand the real effect the words would have on Scott, it was male testosterone petty.

"Good bye Logan." I called back over my shoulder, not shifting my gaze from Scott. And I walked out of the room, Scott right behind me.


	4. Chapter 4: confidence

Part 4

Scott was really quiet in the SUV as we pulled out of the garage; I was actually surprised he had even followed through with our going out at all. The silence was almost worse than the anger; at least at that point he had been acknowledging my presence.

"Scott?" I ventured, hoping he would answer me.

"Yes?"

"Angry?"

"Trying not to be."

"It wasn't what you thought."

He sighed audibly. "What was it Rogue?"

"He wanted me to go out on the bike with him, for a ride, that's all."

"And are you going to go?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"Two things, how far we get into the painting today, and if you finally come to your senses and decide that you don't really want anything to do with me." Sometimes humor worked, sometimes it didn't. Today fortunately was one of the times it did, I could see Scott's musculature change in his face, from clenched and stony to more relaxed.

"Then I guess I'll just have to make sure I buy a lot of paint, because there's very little chance I'm going to come to my senses."

I smiled, and reached out my hand to brush along his jaw line.

"Can we just be honest with each other today Scott?"

"I like that idea."

"You still really want to spend time with me?"

"Desperately Rogue."

"Why?" He was quiet and I figured I had really pushed it with that question. "You don't have to answer that, sorry."

"I wish I could give you a good answer Rogue. But I really don't have one right now. Could I just say that I really need a friend right now, would that be honest enough?"

"I could use a friend too. And I really am looking forward to spending some time with you, away from the mansion. I think it will be good for us." I didn't know at that point if I was lying to him or not, but I suspected that I wasn't.

We had made a little bit of small talk in the SUV as we drove towards town, nothing of any consequence really, just a step above the weather really. It was kind of pleasant, but then my stomach rumbled inopportunely, reminding me that I hadn't had any breakfast, unless you counted Logan's thick back sludge that passed for coffee. I pushed my hands against my gut, but it didn't help to quiet anything. Scott laughed under this breath.

"Why don't you let me buy you lunch Rogue?"

"You don't have to do that Scott."

"You're obviously hungry Rogue. Besides, we can talk about what we want to do with the office."

God, he sounded so sincere, and he had said 'we'.

"Ok," I gave in, "but nothing fancy ok? A drive through is fine."

"No, someplace better than that Rogue. Let me court you a bit, as it were."

Court me? Yipe.

"I'm not worth that Scott." I really felt like a schmuck right then. I would have started crying if I'd been alone, but part of my stubbornness was holding on. I just dropped my head into my hands. I wasn't going to be able to eat without throwing up I figured.

"Rogue?" I felt the SUV come to a stop, and I heard Scott's seatbelt unfasten. Then his hands were on my shoulders. I looked up at him, wishing desperately that I had sunglasses to hide every emotion my eyes were going to betray.

"Rogue, you need to talk to me, or someone, this isn't right, you feeling like this."

"I can't Scott."

"You have too, you're a good, decent person. It shouldn't make you feel bad to have someone want to do something nice for you."

I unbuckled my seatbelt and made to get out of the vehicle, I could fly home, or just get myself lost, it didn't matter right then. He put a hand gently on my forearm to stop me.

"Please, let me get you something to eat. I know a place where I can get us a private room. We can talk, or not, as you like. But please don't leave."

"Why do you want to do this for me Scott?"

"Because I think you're worth it."

"The fantasy was worth it."

"Let me make that decision Rogue."

"Xavier was the only one who ever treated me like I was worth something. When he died Scott I just didn't see the point of being proud of myself anymore. I needed him to validate me, now there's just no one."

I had managed to keep it together for as long as it took for the hostess to seat us, and the waiter to take and bring our order. But now that we were alone I wanted to talk, and that realization scared me, as much as the thought that Scott could be doing all this to crush me.

"I never realized that you felt that way Rogue. You've always just seemed so confident."

"I had to, I didn't want anyone thinking I was anything less than 100% capable of doing my job." I took a bite of the chicken cutlet in front of me, hoping that filling my mouth would shut me up for awhile.

"You shouldn't need anyone else to validate you Rogue."

"Easy for you to say Scott, you're a leader, people come to you, you have their respect. They need you, nobody needs me."

"Don't say things like that Rogue, lots of people need you."

"Really? Like the students who are afraid of me? Like Kurt and Ororo who have hardly anything to say to me beyond cursory greetings in the hallways? Like Logan, who just needs a warm body in his bed and a sparing partner who doesn't mind the occasional scar or broken bone? No one needs me. And that's my own fault."

"What about me?"

"I don't know what to make of you Scott. Yesterday I was a drunken whore in your eyes and you wanted me to leave."

"And I was a pompous bastard in yours, and you wanted to get away from me."

Touché, "and now what Scott?"

"I need you, I want you to validate me; and I am sorry for all those hurtful things I said to you. I focused my anger at the wrong person. In my mind I had you as the one who would reassure me, validate me, so that I felt I was worth something as a man, not as a leader, not as Xavier's replacement. When you went to him, it destroyed that fantasy that I had been counting on. And I took it out on you, and that wasn't fair."

"Scott? Are you being honest with me?" I put the question out there, but he had no idea of the true meaning behind it.

"I can understand why you wouldn't trust me Rogue, but give me a chance to prove myself to you."

"I want to Scott." My voice was so small at that point, and I felt so unsure of everything, he smiled at that, perhaps he thought it was charming. He stood from his chair and came over to me. He held out his hand, which I took, rising to stand before him. He brought his face desperately close to mine, so that his mouth hovered over me, with only a breath between us.

"Let me show you the truth right now." I know I stopped breathing at that point, I knew what he meant to do, just like the previous night. But this time it was my fingers that pulled off my scarf and pressed it into his hands. The gentle brush of his lips against mine brought back every passion, and for a moment, the little voice in my head was silent, and I gloried in that quiet.

"I'm going to do things the right way with you Rogue."

"How is it Scott, that you know exactly what I need to hear?"

"Because I've practiced what I'd say to you over and over in my head, in case I ever got the courage."

Bloody Hell.


	5. Chapter 5: Reshaping the office

Part 5

Amidst all of the other things that had been running around in my head over the last twenty-four hours I had actually given some thought to how Scott should personalize his office, and the image that had come to mind had been Sherlock Holmes. Now that was not to say that I thought he should fill the space with curious mementos of all our missions, but simply that I respected the close aura of knowledge that Holmes' study imbued, and thought that the image fit Scott. He had laughed when I had first told him, and made a gesture as if he was smoking a long pipe like Sherlock, in his dinner jacket, but he had liked the idea of barrister bookcases filled with antique volumes of subjects that pleased him, and wing chairs in front of the fire, and turning the desk so that he neither greeted visitors from behind it, nor sat with his back to the door.

"Is there some room for a couch do you think?", he had asked me as we trolled the aisles of an upscale furniture store.

"I don't think so." I had replied, caught up in the vision of the space that had been guiding me.

"Pity." I stopped and turned to him, his meaning for the request lost on me at the time. I raised an eyebrow to him in query. "I had just thought that it might be more comfortable," he leaned in very close to me and whispered in my ear, "than the desk, the next time I make love to you there."

I must have turned two shades of scarlet, part at the embarrassment of his statement, part at my own stupidity for walking right into it. Now, how was I going to recover any dignity?

"I suppose you could have a nice rug in front of the fire. But not a bearskin."

"Absolutely nothing rustic in my office." I could hear the sharpness in his words, and sought to sooth them.

"Of course not, something elegant, and soft, like Persian, or lambs wool for you Scott. Something more worthy of the great Sherlock Holmes, my darling."

It was out of my mouth before I could stop myself, it had just flowed naturally from the fun we, I had been having, and it had been so long. I really had not always been so miserable and morose, at one time I was fun loving. But I had not meant to utter any kind of endearment to Scott, and I hoped he hadn't heard it. Sadly he had, I could see it in his eyes as he looked at me quietly for a moment.

He finished up the order at the store quickly, and we left, retreating to the privacy of the SUV, the jovial atmosphere lost, replaced with something serious, but not unhappy or angry.

"I was having so much fun there with you Scott, I'm sorry, I just lost myself."

"Why would you apologize for being carefree for a moment?"

"I didn't want to say the wrong thing to you, I didn't want to give you the wrong impression or hurt you Scott. I don't want to toy with your feelings." I said it out loud, even though part of me still wondered whether or not he was doing that to me. I had put myself in a terribly awkward position just then, and I felt vulnerable, and angry. I was really no good at this, trying to get him to admit the truth of his actions as my heart just kept drawing me in deeper.

"Thank you. It is nice to have someone care about my feelings for a change."

"You see, we were having so much fun, and I have to go and ruin it all by not thinking."

"You haven't ruined anything Rogue, I don't know if I can tell you how happy it made me to hear you back there. It makes me believe that a part of you might really care about me."

I could have chewed off my lower lip right then.

"I hope that you will call me something like that again one day."

"I expect I will Scott." Doubt was quickly loosing out to hope, and I felt myself giving up the battle.

"Shall we go and pick up the painting things?"

"Yes, thank you, that would be great." I was so happy to leave that topic of conversation behind.

We had pulled into the garage and were just starting to unload paint cans, and brushes and drop cloths from the back of the SUV when Kurt and Ororo came into the space. Kurt was using his image transducer, and had styled himself after Errol Flynn, one of his favorite characters. He and Ororo must have been on their way into town.

"Well hello you two." Trust Ro to start the conversation, she really was always so nice, it made me feel bad to think of the way I had shut her out of my pain after Xavier's death. As I had told Scott, my lack of friends really was my fault, I had withdrawn so much as to be horrible to people who were trying to help me.

"Hello." I smiled back, it must have stunned them both, it had been so long since I had sincerely smiled at anything.

"And what have you got there?"

Scott answered, "We just picked up some paint for the office."

"You are painting Scott, what a wonderful idea." Kurt's construct face smiled, "but please, let us help you to bring things up to the office."

"Oh that's all right Kurt, we can manage, we wouldn't want to keep you two from your outing."

"Nonsense, if we help we can have everything up in two trips, where it would take you many more. We are just going into town to pick up pizza and chicken wings for the students, we are having a movie night in the dinning room." Kurt continued to talk as we all took armloads of supplies upstairs. "You two should come down later and join us, the students would love to see their headmaster having some fun."

"Well, we'll see how far we get tonight with our work, and then perhaps we can take a break."

"Do try." Ro was encouraging. They headed out on our last trip down and I even waved goodbye, once again letting some part of my former self emerge. Scott and I took the last two bags up to the office.

"How shall we begin then Scott?" I was walking and talking as I entered the room and set down my bag on the floor beside all the others. I heard the door shut and lock behind me. Then there were hands on my back, drawing down towards my waist, grasping and spinning me about into Scott's embrace.

"I want to begin by holding you for a moment, and touching you Rogue."

I closed my eyes and let the butterflies run through my core and out to my fingers and toes. His hands ran through my hair, parting the strands in soft waves, and pulling them back off my neck. He brought his mouth down to my ever-present scarf and kissed the skin of my neck through it, pulling it into his mouth gently, tracing the fall of the muscles there with the tip of his tongue. I shuddered.

"Scott?" I could hardly speak, and my voice came out so hoarsely as I turned my head to receive the ardor of his mouth. I wanted to tell him to stop, but I couldn't, it felt so good.

"Yes?"

"Tell me what to do." I was lost, and I knew I was going to regret it in the morning, but like an alcoholic knowing what the drink will make him do, I took it anyways, unable to resist.

"Touch me."

I brought my hand between us, settling on his chest, drawing long strokes of my fingers over the muscles there, pulling them downward to his waist, and then to his hips, settling there to pull him against me, where I could grind against him. I tucked my head into his shoulder, trying to fight the passion that would have me kiss him properly then, because I so wanted to kiss him. I ground my fingers into the growing bulge at the front of his pants, kneading at him, somewhat less than delicately, in my struggle. He moaned into my hair.

"Oh God Rogue, don't stop."

I pushed even harder against him, until he pushed my hands aside and made to begin undoing his pants. But then there were footsteps in the hall; heavy footsteps and we flew apart, even though we both knew the door was locked. At their loudest they stopped, and we stood frozen in place, but there was no knock at the door, and then they started up again, heading away from us and the office, and we both dared to breathe. I struggled to put myself to rights, and calm the deep ache that I was feeling in my gut. I sat down on the floor, putting my head back in my hands, breathing hard, and Scott came to sit beside me, putting an arm around my shoulders.

"Maybe for now we should just get to work on the office?" I ventured. He nodded, but did not move his hand from my shoulders.

"You are amazing Rogue, I cannot believe how you make me feel."

"I can't believe it either Scott. What the hell are we going to do?"

"I'll figure something out Rogue, I promise."


	6. Chapter 6: Rogue can tease

Part 6

Scott unlocked, and even opened the door just a hair, so that we would both be motivated to finish our task, and limit our conversation to something appropriate, like where to put the new bookcases, and how the chairs would be arranged when they were delivered. We had been working for about an hour when another visitor came to the office, it was Jean. She knocked gently, then opened the door to find us hefting Scott's desk to the center of the room, away from the walls we would be painting.

"Goodness, you have the place completely torn apart."

I didn't think it looked that bad, just kind of squished together in the center of the room, half covered with drop sheets and plastic.

"Rogue has been a great help to me today Jean." I tried to smile at her, but it was hard, remembering all the things I had been thinking about her husband so recently.

"It's nice to feel useful again." I added, as innocently as I could. If she looked into my mind right now I was absolute toast.

"Well Rogue," she began in her most professorial tone, "if you are looking for some challenges, perhaps you might consider helping out with the students?"

"You mean like teaching or something?"

"Yes, I think that would be wonderful."

"I don't know what I'd teach Jean."

She had walked over to Scott and slipped an arm around his waist, kissing his cheek in greeting. I envied her that, in that moment.

"What about hand to hand and weapons training?"

Well that had come out of the blue, and my shocked expression conveyed my surprise to her.

"Well Logan and Scott have both praised your abilities with blades, and your defensive techniques. Logan complements you regularly on your sparring with him. He says you're quite the formidable opponent." I could see Scott bristle at the news that Jean was in the confidence of Logan, not that he would have doubted it. I wondered if she had felt the sudden tightening of his jaw that I had seen.

"I suppose, if you think I could Scott?" I looked right into his eyes. But Jean answered for him.

"Of course, I'm sure Scott and I could get a small class together for you, for next week some time."

"If we still had the bamboo swords and training dummies maybe we could set them up outside?" I offered, "I could probably teach them some of that stuff."

"I believe," Scott's voice again, "that they are in one of the equipment sheds, we can have a look for them tomorrow if you like Rogue."

"Yes, it would be a good break from the painting."

"But," Jean began again, "I did pop by for a reason, Kurt asked me to remind you that there are still pizza and wings in the dinning room if you want to stop by."

"I can finish up in here with the drop cloths, I expect it's too late to start painting anyways tonight Scott, you go ahead." I wanted to be as nice and innocent as possible in front of Jean, as I feared she would turn my mind to Swiss cheese had she doubted my sincerity.

"No Rogue, I'll help finish up too, after all it's my office. Jean, " he looked at his watch, "can I meet you there in fifteen minutes or so?"

"Wonderful." God, her face just glowed when she was happy, she was so beautiful with her red, perfect hair, full lips, and glorious curves. I suddenly felt like a bit of a mouse in comparison. "Will you come down too Rogue?"

"I think I'd better do some studying if I'm going to start teaching, perhaps the next time." It was the best excuse I could come up with, and she believed it.

"Well I'll see you later then." She kissed Scott one more time, turned on her beautiful high-heeled shoes, I didn't even own a pair, and she left the office. I went back to covering up the furniture so it wouldn't get paint flecks on it.

"Do you really want to start teaching Rogue?"

I thought about it for a minute, "Yeah Scott, I think it would be good for me. It will give me something else to focus on, and it will take my mind off all the other things running around in my head."

"Might I be so bold as to inquire if I am one of those things?" He grabbed the other end of a sheet and pulled it across the desk.

"Of course you are, amongst others."

"Do tell?"

I looked him straight in the eyes; "I may need a stiff drink to tell you about all the other stuff."

"Should I be worried?"

"No more than usual I expect."

"You are being quite cryptic all of a sudden."

"A lot has happened over the last day Scott, I think I need some time to digest it."

"I have to go down to see the students, you know I won't be able to see you until tomorrow don't you?"

"Of course Scott. I'll see you in the morning for painting." I made to leave but he put a hand on my forearm and pulled me back gently to his chest. The door was still ajar, and I was scared that we would be discovered.

"Will you dream about me?" He asked.

"Perhaps I shall make up my own fantasy." He shuddered.

"Will you tell me about it?"

"I'll show you." And I slipped from his arms, and ran for the door before he could stop me, not slowing down till I was safely behind the locked door to my own room. I was going to hell for sure.


	7. Chapter 7: Beware of wings & revelations

Part 7

I had taken the time to have a nice hot shower and wash my hair, and do all the other things girls do in the shower to make themselves beautiful. It felt good, like I was transitioning into a new day, even though it was now night, and quite dark out. Being by myself I chose to put on a pretty nightgown, with spaghetti straps, and an a-line form, which clung to me rather well. I certainly was no Jean; I didn't have breasts like hers, or hips like hers. I was a bit more stringy, and harder, especially now that I was taking out my frustrations by working out, or sparring, or flying about. You mightn't believe that flying takes any energy, but it does, keeping yourself level puts a great deal of strain on your torso, and on your legs so you don't just flop around, or end up not being able to steer yourself because you can't keep yourself aerodynamic. It worked a lot of different muscle groups, that was, if you weren't doing it with telekinesis.

I brushed out my hair in front of the mirror, trying to see something pretty in myself. I guess my hair was ok, the white stripe looked cool. With a little makeup I could make my eyes pop a bit, and my cheekbones look higher. I supposed that with some work I might be worth something. I smiled at myself in the mirror for being so melancholy. I mean, whatever their motives, there were two men in close proximity who found me attractive enough to sleep with; I couldn't be that bad right?

Perhaps that thought was more like a curse, because as I stood there contemplating the truth there was a very soft knock on my door. I froze for a moment, but then shook off the feeling of stupidity; after all, I thought to myself, what possible harm could there be in opening the door, it could have been anyone out there. So I opened it.

"Hi Rogue." The voice was rough, and he smelled of dust and asphalt, it was Logan, and he had obviously just come in from the motorcycle ride he had invited me to come along on. He stepped in. "I came to look for you earlier but I couldn't find you."

"Oh Logan, I'm sorry, I got so wrapped up in the prep work for the office I didn't notice the time."

"The office?"

"I told Scott I would help him redecorate, well I sort of told him off about it being too much like Xavier when I was yelling at him the other night, so he kinda challenged me to make it better." It was half-truth.

"And I know you can't resist a challenge, eh Rogue."

"Nope." I swung around, pretty much inviting him into the room, or at least not kicking him out.

"You look really nice tonight."

I remembered that I was in my lingerie just then, and I probably went a little scarlet at his words. He took off his leather jacket and draped it over the back of my desk chair.

"Thanks."

"Expecting company?"

I turned my 'nasty' face to him, "no." It might have been sharper than I had meant it to be.

"Then I guess it's my lucky night." His gloves joined the jacket and he crossed the room to me. His inherent strength, and healing power had always given him a brief immunity to me, and when he wrapped his hand around the back of my head and drew my face to his for a kiss I did not flinch. His mouth tasted like the outdoors, it was wild and strong, and insistent, for the ten or fifteen seconds he was able to keep it pressed to mine. When he let me go I sank to the bed, weak in the knees from the passion he was so well able to share in his kisses. He sat beside me, and ran a rough hand up the length of my dress, bunching it together towards my thigh. Oh God I wanted him. But whatever doubt there was that was fading in my mind towards Scott, was growing in Logan.

"Stop." I whispered.

"Why?" He kept moving his hand.

"Because I need to ask you something Logan."

"Ok." He really wasn't paying attention, and was running his nose and mouth along my hair, breathing into my ear, and nipping at my skin. It was so hard to focus.

"Logan, are you sleeping with Jean?" I could barely get my voice above a whisper, but I knew he would hear me, and I knew he had when he stopped moving suddenly, and I felt his chest shudder.

"I know I'm not the only one you're sleeping with Logan, it doesn't matter about that. You could have a different lover every day of the week, I wouldn't care."

"Then why does it matter if I am?"

"I need to know, to make my decisions."

"I asked you to come with me, I was sincere about that Rogue."

"I know Logan, but I also know that you love Jean, that you have loved her for a very long time, and I know that after Xavier died so many things around here changed." He looked at me quite closely as I spoke, trying to suss out exactly where I was coming from I expect. It was possibly the longest conversation we'd ever had, with one of us being mostly naked. I could see thoughts running around behind his eyes, as he decided what he would say, and could say. His response was elusive, but more thoughtful than I had expected.

"I shouldn't be with Jean, she's married, and we are two very different people."

"The heart wants, what it wants Logan." Damn, I could be really philosophical sober, I was amazing myself.

"I should be with you Rogue, you and I are the same, hard, powerful, passionate. We don't give a damn about how much we hurt, we just keep going."

"We shouldn't just keep going if we hurt Logan, and you shouldn't be with me because it's what your brain tells you is right. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking you to choose me, or to love me, or anything like that. But you are my friend, and I want you to be happy, whoever it happens to be with, and wherever it happens to be."

"I don't understand all of this Rogue, why does anything have to change?"

"Maybe it doesn't Logan, and I know that's a useless answer, but it's the only one I've got. I do understand about you Logan."

"How so?"

"You are wild, and passionate, and strong, and it isn't any wonder that Jean would come to you, just as I did, to find some kind of respite from her misery at losing Xavier. Of all of us, she was most like him, she lost part of her soul that day."

"She should have gone to her husband."

"Scott wasn't what she needed, he's a reminder of Xavier" I smiled at the thought, "while you are pretty much the exact opposite."

"I had wanted her for so long, to have her seek me out Rogue,"

"I understand, you don't have to justify or explain yourself to me Logan. But I think we all need to figure out who we are going to be now that he is gone."

"So you won't be coming with me?"

"I don't know Logan, but I promise you, I am thinking very hard about it. I know we could be really good together."

"Yeah darlin' we could." He leaned over to kiss me on the cheek, no passion, just comfort. "Is this why you are helping Scott with his office, to set him on his own path, so maybe he and Jean can work things out?"

"No Logan," I couldn't tell him the truth yet, that what I wanted was to get close enough to Scott to figure out what was real, and what was a construct in my mind, I wasn't as noble as he was giving me credit for. "It isn't any of my business how they choose to proceed, or who they choose to do it with, and I certainly would never consciously do anything that would pull her away from you; not knowing how much you truly love her. I think I'm just jealous of what she has in you and Scott."

"If you come with me, I will leave her behind."

"I won't do that to you Logan, I love you too much for that. I cannot bear the thought of you ever coming to hate me for having you make that choice. I will be here for you, in some way, forever, no matter what."

He knew I didn't mean that I was in love with him, he knew my honesty, and he trusted me. I hated bringing this out into the open, but it would be the best thing for all of us. I hated that I was going to send him away that night, when all I wanted was to be able to touch someone, and kiss someone, and feel something besides the confusion and grief. He was the only one I could be with safely. The feelings his kisses brought me shook me to my core, and I could have been happy with them, superficially at least. Certainly my body would have been. He seemed to understand, and bent his head to kiss me again, and push his tongue into my mouth again, and make my heart race again.

"Never doubt that you make me feel," I touched two fingers to his lips, to stop him; I didn't think I could stand to hear how he was going to finish that sentence.

"I'll see you tomorrow Logan." And I gave him his coat and gloves and ushered him out my door. He had become my best friend, and I had been honest in saying that I would be with him forever in some sense: companion, lover, or confidant. He had given me the only respite from my sorrow when I was in danger of being consumed by it; and perhaps I had given him something too. A relationship that had no strings, or baggage, but was simply for the need to be together and not alone. What he had said, about my motives for helping with the office had made me think. I could do him a great favor, and drive a firm wedge between Scott and Jean, if it was not already present. I could drive her into Logan's arms, and she would be happy to go. Perhaps I could even do it without Scott coming to hate me, there was no question that she would hate me, but Logan would calm her, and take her away. I wondered if I would dare to do something like that for the man who had found me on the roof, and brought me back inside, in more ways than just literally.

It was only a few moments later, as I was turning on my computer, and diming the lights in my room, when there was another soft knock at my door.

"Logan," I spoke out loud, "I can't do this tonight." I opened the door to confront his persistence, but instead found Scott staring at me, and smiling. "You need to go home." trailed out of my mouth before my brain registered that it wasn't Logan I was speaking to.

"Hi?"

"Hi Scott, I'm sorry, I didn't expect to see you here, again, tonight." I stumbled over my words.

"I guess not." He took in the view of me in my gown, fortunately not nearly so transparent with the lights out behind me.

"Is something wrong?" I stepped back from the door and let him come in, figuring it would be his choice how to proceed. He did come in, and closed the door behind himself.

"It seems that some of the students have fallen ill, something about funny tasting wings Jean tells me."

"Food poisoning? Do you need me to help with anything?"

"No, Jean actually shooed me out of the infirmary. She said I'd just be in the way. I took it as providence that I was meant to be somewhere else tonight."

Providence eh? Hormones more likely. There was likely something else besides salmonella in the food around here, I thought to myself.

"You look really beautiful tonight." Now where had I heard that one before, oh yeah, the last man who tried to get into my bed. But I was slightly more inclined to treat this line favorably for some reason.

"Thank you." I averted my eyes demurely from his face.

"Can I stay for awhile?" I took a deep breath; the choice was here. I had sent one man away, and the other stood before me, and I could feel in my chest what would happen if I said the word, and I was frightened of how my heart had turned so quickly, and I wasn't even sure what word would come out of my mouth when I opened it.

"Yes."

"I'm not interrupting anything am I, it sounded like you were expecting someone else." He had taken a few steps towards me, and brushed his fingers down the side of my face, tangling them in my hair. I raised my own hands and held them against his short hair, I felt almost drunk, and it was so hard to focus on anything but the butterflies in my gut.

"Not expecting anyone," I was hesitant to elaborate, but I did anyways "Logan stopped in, I asked him to leave."

"You did?"

"Yes."

"But why?"

"Because, I guess, for now, I have chosen you Scott, and I may be damned for it, but I need to see where this will go." The truth will set you free? I highly doubted that line just at that moment; it seemed more like the truth was going to drag me under.

"You want me?" His voice seemed shocked; his hands had stopped twirling my hair. I was even a bit stunned at the words I had uttered, it would have been easier for me to believe if I had been drunk, but I wasn't.

"I want you desperately Scott." The smile on his face was broader than anything I had ever seen before, and he repeated his own words.

"You want me?"

"Just make love to me Scott, before I come to my senses, and before I decide to run."

"Oh God Rogue." His voice was wavering, just like my knees. "I don't know how much time I have." He sounded desperate.

"Give me whatever you can Scott. I just need to have you."

Lost, oh damn, I was lost, and this was well beyond my control anymore.

I drew him back to my bed, holding onto his wrist where his sleeve still covered his skin; he followed willingly. As I laid myself back he reached into the pocket of his pants and drew out a crumpled handful of something. When he pulled the first onto his hand I recognized them.

"The painting gloves." We'd bought two boxes, one large for him, one small for me.

"I stopped by the office on my way." He smiled, "hoping that you would be awake, and alone."

"Part of the fantasy?"

"Nope, just winging it right now." That made me quite happy for some reason.

His hands, now protected, began to slide the gown up my legs, slowly as we breathed in time, both in anticipation. His fingers reached the top of my legs, where he paused for a moment, to look at me, as if asking for approval. I did nothing, save close my eyes, waiting to see where he would take me. I felt the tremble in him as he shifted his weight a bit, beside me on the bed, pulling closer to me, and then his fingers slipped in between my legs.

He moved his hands so gently, not at all rough, or insistent, but in a glorious caress that at once relaxed me, and yet began building the tensions in me. I could not stop myself from moaning out loud in satisfaction as his fingertips ran over me, and I know that I began to tremble for him.

"I want to," he began to speak.

"Yes." I wouldn't even let him finish.

His movements became more insistent, but yet gentle, and I was so willing to have him. He slid two fingers inside me, and began to caress me more firmly so that my whole body began to writhe with each thrust. His thumb continued to tease the center of my pleasure and I tensed every muscle against him, effortlessly, and unconsciously until I could wait no longer, and I gave myself to him with a desperate cry of pleasure. He continued his ministrations to my quivering body as I rode through the waves, finally relaxing into his arms. It was glorious to be with him.


	8. Chapter 8:The eyes have it

Part 8

"Please don't say anything Scott, just let me watch your face, and look into your perfect eyes and I'll know what you want to say." We were lying side by side, and had been carefully touching each other, like paintbrush strokes, for many minutes. I could see that he wanted to say something, but the aura that we had created between us was too perfect to stumble over how to express affection in inadequate words.

"Perfect eyes?" His voice was soft, as if he too felt the need to maintain the place we now found ourselves in. "How can you say that Rogue, they are dangerous."

"No more dangerous than the body you are laying beside. Scott, when I look into your eyes I'm not scared, there is so much to see, something in every nuance."

"No one has ever said that to me before."

"Maybe I have special insight, having shared your power for a few hours. Or maybe it's because I know exactly how you feel, trapped behind a barrier. Maybe that makes it easier for me to see past it." The truth of my words made me warm in my chest, I had never really considered how much Scott and I truly had in common. But for gloves or glasses we could pass for 'normal' humans, but we knew different, and we had lived our lives fully conscious of that dangerous difference. We had found no place in the world, save with other mutants. Our childhoods had been about restraint, and not about joy, and living, and challenging ourselves, not really. We had done what we had to do, not always what we wanted to do, and maybe in this way, we were even better suited to be together than Logan and I as loners.

"Will you tell me what you see Rogue?"

"There used to be steel and anger, and a dull hardness that just deflected everything that came at them. Your glasses might have been red, but they weren't rose colored then."

"That was when we were fighting?"

"Mostly, I saw it the other night though."

"When Jean came into the office, right?"

"Yeah."

"And what do they look like now?"

"Kiss me, and I'll tell you."

Joy washed over me as he bent his face to mine, and softly brushed his lips across me, then I looked into his eyes.

"Now I see hope Scott. It is as if I can look beyond their surface to see the life beneath again I can see a reflection in them, and a light and a sparkle. You look happy."

"You can see all that, even though the glasses?"

"Yes I can Scott."

"I envy you Rogue."

"Well that may be the first time that anyone has ever said that to me." I even laughed just a little.

"I'm so glad you can see the good in me now."

"Me too."

"I'm going to have to go soon."

"I know." I pursed my lips together in a disappointed little smile.

"But I won't be able to get my mind off of you, I want you to remember that when you fall asleep."

"I will."

He pulled himself away from me, slowly, allowing his fingers to drag across the satin of my gown.

"I'll see you tomorrow Rogue."

"I'm looking forward to it."

I sighed quite contentedly to myself as he closed the door. My road to hell was paved with more than good intentions, but I was going to find a way to change that.

Scott came around my room just after eight, dressed in worn jeans and a white tee shirt, stained with what looked like grease. I t must have been something he wore when he worked on his bike. He looked good, totally the cover model in his relaxed, casual wear: Calvin Klein, eat your heart out, you should have had Scott Summers in your jeans. It was so unlike the pressed and polished Scott I usually saw and it made my heart jump, just a little. His chest looked good bare, but with the shirt just clinging to it, there was just a hint of what was beneath, and the anticipation was just delicious. He had a faded denim shirt in one hand, and a smile on his face.

"I brought you a shirt to wear for painting, just in case you didn't have one."

"Thanks." I smiled kind of shyly at him. I was still in my tank top, trying to decide which of my own shirts to sacrifice. I slid my arms into it as he held it out for me, as from behind he wrapped his arms around my waist all pulled me back to him, before I even had the chance to button it.

"Last night was wonderful." He breathed into my ear. His breath was warm, and brought back the shudders of the night previous, I pulled his arms around me tighter, protected by his shirt. I guess he had decided that he didn't mind someone else seeing me in his clothes. That was good, though it was hard to hold myself back from reading too much into the gesture. It was a step, I allowed myself to believe, albeit a small one, towards resolving this love quadrangle we all seemed to be in. Gack, I didn't really just think that word did I? I was in way too deep, that or I needed coffee because my brain was not firing on all cylinders.

"If you want to bring some CD's we can listen to music."

"I don't know if you'll like what I have."

"Oh, I'm easy."

"But not cheap." I muttered under my breath, a throwback to drinking days. I don't know if he heard me.

"As long as it's appropriate for others to hear wafting out from my office, it'll be ok. We'll have to keep the windows and doors open or the fumes from the paint might be a little sickening."

"I'll choose carefully." I had eclectic tastes in music to be sure. I grabbed Nickleback, Daughtry, as well as Il Divo and the Beatles, and then we went to get ourselves a bit of breakfast.


	9. Chapter 9: Logan

Part 9

I wasn't thoroughly covered with paint, but I had managed to speckle myself a little bit with the roller, especially as some of the catchier songs came on and I got a little careless with my dancing around over the drop cloths and paint cans.

Scott had stepped away for a moment, around ten or so, Storm had called him to speak with a parent over the phone, and since his computers in the office were unplugged he had gone out to the faculty room. I took the opportunity to turn the music up loud enough to drown out my singing. I wasn't a good singer, but I felt good, and so I wanted to sing and dance. So I was singing and dancing around like a fool, running earthy green paint over the walls when I was startled into reality by a knock on the open door. I wheeled around to see Logan smiling at me as I quickly flushed crimson.

"Hey darlin', lookin' good."

"Ah hell" was all I could think of to say. He laughed at me.

"Exactly how long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough." He strode into the room with his confident swagger and perched himself on the corner of the covered desk.

"Long enough to what?"

"To wonder why I never took you dancing. Damn, you could be real hot on the dance floor."

"We probably never went because we always fell into bed too quickly, or were too bruised up from the Danger Room to leave the mansion."

He laughed again. "Yup, probably right."

I put my roller down, and turned down the music.

"What brings you here?"

"I just wanted to see you again, you made me do a lot of thinking last night."

"And now your head hurts?" I offered up in jest.

"Ha ha, very funny. No, it doesn't hurt, but I thought maybe we could talk some more if you wanted to take a break, or grab some lunch."

"Yeah, we could do that if you want." He stepped away from the desk, and came a little closer to me, where I stood, arms crossed, by one of the side tables, where we had put the stereo.

"You haven't changed your mind about last night have you?" He drew even closer, curling his head around my neck, as if going to whisper in my ear, or kiss me on my neck as he often did. It was feral, like wolves, but it was just Logan. And it was exciting. But instead of feeling the contact of his breath on my skin I only felt him pull back. He came to face me, and looked me directly in the eyes.

"You smell like Scott." His voice was almost clinical, the way he spoke, and I could hear a different note under the words, one I hadn't heard from him before, not when he was talking to me, it was anger.

"I'm wearing his shirt." I kept my voice quiet, and tried not to let it betray the real sense of fear that was welling in my chest. I suppose my rational mind didn't believe Logan to be capable of hurting me, but my heart felt something quite different.

"It's more than that." He was talking through his teeth; I could hear the slight hiss.

"He lent me the shirt to paint in."

"He's touched you, hasn't he?"

"Logan, please." I was pleading with him not to take this line of questioning any further; not that I had any right to.

"You had sex with him didn't you?"

"Not here Logan, please. Let's go somewhere else, we can talk." He said nothing else, but grabbed my wrist, not firmly enough to hurt me, but insistently enough to make his point that we were leaving. I followed him out of the room, having little choice really. I couldn't hurt him, no matter what he thought of me now; he was my friend.

We went up to the roof, away from any open windows or prying eyes, we sat beside each other in silence for a few moments, I didn't know if he expected me to talk or if he was just letting himself calm down before he could speak. The latter, it turned out.

He looked at me with those deep brown eyes; he didn't look wounded, but it was hard to say what was causing the extra sheen in them at that moment.

"Was it Scott that told you about me and Jean?"

"Yes."

"And what? You felt sorry for him?"

"No, I guess I just understood his pain a little bit."

"And you slept with him?"

"It just kind of happened Logan." I wasn't going to apologize; I had no reason to do that. Logan and I fell together for a different reason, and I knew he didn't love me, and wasn't being faithful to me, that was never the deal.

"How did he find out about Jean and I?"

"He told me that he saw you together."

Logan cursed under his breath and smacked his hand against the roof tiles, cracking one.

"I should never, ever have given in to her, to my lust for her."

"You love her Logan," I tried to smile; my fear was fading just a bit. And I put my gloved hand over his, over where his claws would have extended. It was a sign I had with him, trust and respect rolled into one gesture. "You couldn't have done anything else."

"But does she love me Rogue?"

"How could she do anything else Logan?" I knew I was going to start crying, but it didn't matter. He looked at me oddly. "I would have." I knew it was the truth. If I had known, as Jean must have known, that he had spent years torturing himself over me, risking his life out of devotion, or sheer stubbornness because of me, tormenting himself because he couldn't be with me, I would have loved him.

"Let's just get out of here Rogue, let's go, set up our team. I will love you, and you will love me, and we will forget all of this, and we will be happy."

"No Logan. Not now. You need to know if she can be with you. No more regrets darlin'."

"Do you love Scott?"

"It's too soon for me to answer that Logan, I don't even know if he still loves Jean, and still wants to fight for her." I knew that I was hoping for something, at least I had been before this talk, but now, I wasn't quite as certain as I had been before. I could be happy with Logan, and I could learn to put everything else out of my mind, I thought, maybe. I could love him.

"I have to believe," Logan began, looking thoughtfully at me, "that if he's making an effort to be with you, that he's made his choice Rogue. Whatever other issues he and I have had, I have no problem saying that he has always been an honorable man."

"Maybe, before, but Xavier's death has affected all of us to some degree."

"I just don't see him as the kind of man who would be able to pull off the moral ambiguity of sleeping with two women."

"You can." I smirked; my tears were starting to dry.

"But I'm not a nice man Rogue, never have been." I laughed at his words, though I was looking straight ahead, out over the treetops of the woods that bordered the mansion. A thought came to me.

"We should do some more sparring out there before you go." Because I knew he was going, I just didn't know whom he was going with.

"Yeah, we should." He got that same far away sort of look in his eyes that I figured I had. "Is he good to you? He hasn't hurt you has he?"

"No, he hasn't hurt me."

"Because if he does, I will kill him." I smiled and leaned my head against his shoulder.

"Are you angry with me?"

"No, just sad Rogue."

"Why sad?"

"Because I really loved being with you, intimately and all." It was lovely to hear Logan trying to speak romantically; the words were so terribly awkward coming out of his mouth. "But I don't suppose we'll be doing that anymore, or at least for a while?" His voice went up to turn the last sentence into a question. I smacked him playfully on the arm. "It's just, that with you, there was no guilt, only pleasure, and companionship."

"Yeah." I murmured back.

"What the hell are we going to do now darlin'?" Now where had I heard that before?

"I don't know Logan, but we'll figure something out." Now it was my turn, how the hell had I gotten myself into the middle of this? I needed to have my head examined.

I got back to the office before Scott returned from his call, which I hadn't quite expected, but was thankful for anyways. I was feeling kind of fragile, and pretty scattered after talking to Logan, and any time to myself to disguise it, was welcome. I switched the music from the faster pop hits to the ballads and I tried to focus myself on the painting work again. The last thing I wanted to do was explain to Scott that I had had another heart to heart with Logan. I had been frightened enough of Logan's reaction, and he wasn't even in the position of losing someone he loved to another man. But Scott, well he had already lost once, and I did fear the anger of him losing again. It had been hard enough when he had simply lost the fantasy of me; the animosity had been palpable between us, and his words had hurt so much, even if I didn't admit it, but only countered back with my own venom. And now, that I was in the midst of an emotional connection with him, I feared even more what he might do to me, or to himself, or to Logan.

He was actually away till nearly noon, and by then I had finished the first coat of paint on my own. I was just covering the brushes so they wouldn't dry out when he returned.

"Hi Rogue, sorry I," and he stopped, "Have you been crying?" Oh hell, I must have smudges under my eyes, or streaks on my cheeks, damn Logan, why couldn't he have said something? "What's happened?"

"Nothing Scott" I lied to him outright, "Just the music, got me thinking, and feeling sad. Am I a real mess? I'll go clean up." I tried to brush out past him, but he sidestepped in front of me.

"Tell me what's going on in your head Rogue."

"Just melancholy Scott, really, nothing to worry about. Let me get cleaned up and then we can go get some lunch. Did your call go ok?" I was rambling on, nervously, I knew, but I was afraid.

"The call was fine, just a parent looking for reassurance about their child getting their grades documented for University entrance forms. They were a bit skittish about our school not being well enough known to impress some Ivy Leaguers."

"Haven't got a clue eh?"

"That or they're in denial I guess."

Not many of our students went on to Ivy League educations: though some did. It was hard enough to learn to control your powers let alone deal with adolescence and young adult-hood in the company of your peers. No, most of us did correspondence till we were older, and then, maybe, went out into the world. Those of us who looked normal that was.

"But that's beside the point, what made you so sad?"

I really had to think on my feet here, and the best I could come up with were song lyrics.

"It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow

I can't believe that I stayed till today

There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow

There's nothing here in this soul left to say"

I tried to sing it, but it was pretty quiet. "It's called No Surprise, by Daughtry. It just made me think about all the stuff that's happened, and how that was going to be me, leaving this all behind. It just made me sad Scott. I've been finding all these forgotten emotions lately. It's just been numbness or anger for so long." I let my words trail off. They were the truth, if not the actual answer to his question. He looked at me for a while, as if sizing up my honesty. I suppose he must have decided to believe me because he pulled me into his chest, and held my head there for a bit. It was nice to just be silent and feel him breathing like that.

"Foolishness on both our parts would have taken you away from me."

It still might, I thought to myself. "I'm ok now Scott, really." He looked down into my face, and I smiled at him. I could have kissed him right then, it would have only taken a moment or two, and I would have had all my answers, and possibly his life as well. It wasn't telepathy, but it worked out in its own way, and I hated that the thought had even crossed my mind. He was still holding me.

"You did a great job on the room."

"It'll need another coat, and I've left you the moldings." I knew that was the most finicky part.

"Let me take you out for lunch Rogue, nothing fancy." He held up his hands, "I promise."

"Let me get cleaned up a bit, I'll meet you in the garage."

"We'll take the bike, do you have a leather jacket?"

"Yeah, I do. I'll be right back." This time he let me leave. Dodged another bullet there, wow, I was pushing my luck something fierce.


	10. Chapter 10: Talking to Spirits

Part 10

So we sat on the grass in a little park near the city college. The sun was out, and spring was evident all around us. Everything felt clean, and fresh, and it was hard not to feel a little reborn yourself as you looked at the verdant life around you. We had sandwiches and sodas, and when those were done, and the other lunchtime denizens of the park had retreated back to their cubicles and classrooms, I took the opportunity to wad up my jacket as a pillow and lie back on the grass and look up at the clouds. Scott was feeling bolder now that we had passed by the question of my earlier tears, and he lay down, perpendicular to me, resting his head on my abdomen.

"It's nice out eh? I love spring, so many things seen more possible in spring, don't you think?"

"You and I think a lot alike Scott." I brushed a finger through his hair absentmindedly.

"I think it's going to be a good year this year."

"Yeah, I think so too, it sure can't be worse than last year." It was coming up on the time when Xavier had passed. I wondered if he would want us to do anything to recognize the day. I thought that he probably wouldn't, but I also thought that Scott and Jean wouldn't be able to let it pass. Logan had accepted that it had been Xavier's time; truly, it really hadn't been so hard to believe that he could have suffered a massive stroke. It would have been worse if he had been murdered by an enemy, then we would have had more to blame ourselves for. But he was gone before any of us could get to him, even Jean, who had been the last one to touch his mind, and even that had only been seconds, of confusion, she related, he had not known what was happening, which had been for the best. There had not been time for a speech of regret, or the passing of words of wisdom, just in an instant, the greatest mind in the world had ceased to be. It should have been easier for us.

"Are you happy Rogue?" The question stirred me from the daydream.

"More so than I have been for a long while I suppose."

"Could you be happy with me?"

I didn't answer right away, but just looked at the clouds for a few more seconds. "I want to be Scott."

"What do you need me to do to make you happy?"

"Just be honest with me I guess."

"Well that's easy enough. Isn't there anything else?" I wondered if he wanted me to ask him to leave Jean, or at least confront her. I wondered if he wanted me to ask him to commit to me, to tell me he loved me. He wanted me to say something.

"You don't need to do anything Scott. I'm not going to force you to do anything, or make any decisions. I won't tell you what to do or not to do. I want you to do what's right for you; and you alone."

"But Rogue, I want to make you happy."

"Then trust me Scott, please. Trust me to make the right decisions for myself, just as I want you to make them for yourself."

I continued to play with his hair, not looking at him as we spoke.

"This isn't just about sex is it?" I asked.

He laughed. "Oh no, it's about a real kindred spirit. Not to say that the intimacy isn't wonderful." Now it was my turn to laugh.

"Men." I muttered, knowing he could hear. He rolled over and moved to look down at me. The sun framed his face so he looked like the cliché angel. He just stared at me.

"I wish you would ask me to do something."

"How about you start training with me? It will give us another excuse to spend time together when the office is done?"

"What about Logan?"

"We spar together, and that will continue for as long as he is here. He's the best adversary for me with hand to hand because I don't have to hold back, if I hurt him he'll heal. And I know he won't hold back on me." I touched the spot where I had suffered the last broken rib.

"I'll give you that Rogue."

"If I was fighting you I know I would hold back. But if we train together, maybe run, or do some weights, or even the Danger Room, then I know it will be safe."

He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment. I couldn't tell if he was mulling over what I had offered, or if he was fixated on the fact that I would still be sparring with Logan. I didn't want to wait for his answer or let any thoughts fester.

"I'm not sleeping with Logan."

"I didn't ask."

"But you wanted to."

"I won't ask you that."

"Just be honest with me, even if you don't think I'll like hearing it."

"I don't want to be petty, not when you are being so altruistic with me."

I smiled with the corner of my mouth and sighed at the same time.

"Would you like to train with me Scott?"

"Yeah, I would."

"Good then. The paint's probably cured enough for a second coat, let's get going." I sat myself up and made to stand, but he took my wrist, in similar fashion to Logan I noted, but just not as forcefully, and held me back.

"Please Rogue, please don't sleep with Logan while you have any feelings for me. And if you find you don't have those feelings any longer, tell me before you go to him."

"Thank you Scott." I squeezed his hand.

The office was finished in two days, paint wise at least, and the furniture Scott had picked out arrived just after we had removed all the drop cloths. We had many visitors poke their noses into the space as we were setting things up, most with only positive things to say about the change. Jean was unsure about the vision, but she was polite enough to thank me for all my help on Scott's behalf, and to give me a list of students who were interested in taking the swordsmanship course we had spoken about. There were only five, but that seemed like a very good number to me, and I thanked her in return, and promised to get all the equipment readied in time for the following week. Friday afternoons had seemed like a good time, as most students had no other classes then. Some cherished their time off, but others, these five, who weren't afraid of me I guessed, valued their training above their leisure. There was one first year, two in the second year, and one from the third and fourth year classes. I made a note to speak with Storm and Logan about all these students, to see what I could expect. Remy, Jubilation, Emma; I didn't know the other two except by names, they were first years.

"If it's ok Rogue, I'd like to speak with Scott alone for a bit, about the memorial service." Well, I had expected that.

"Of course." I could be civil; it wasn't as if she had hurt me personally or anything. "I'll see you two later then." I slipped out the door, and closed it behind me. I wanted to get back to my room and get into the shower. A day of hauling furniture, while good exercise, didn't leave one looking particularly glamorous. I didn't know if I was going to see Scott again that night, or Logan, or anyone, in fact, I felt a lot more like having a walk around the woods by myself, and maybe a drink, just to reward myself for a job well done, and a few days without tears.

So, once I was washed, and dressed in one of my training uniforms I grabbed a little bag I had prepared earlier, opened up my bedroom window and leapt out into the twilight. I flew to the far end of the property, landed, and began making my way back on foot, just at the edge of the woods, so I could still look up and see the stars. It was a warm night still, but once we were totally plunged into blackness I knew the temperature would drop, as it always did in early spring, when night truly took it's hold.

So, I started to hold a conversation with myself, in my head, what's going on Marie? Seems that I have gotten myself into quite the interesting situation here. At least I didn't actually answer myself in these conversations; I wasn't that far gone yet. It had become more and more obvious to me, as I had contemplated who I was becoming, that a lot of the person I was, was based on the person I was with. And that hadn't been a comfortable revelation. When Xavier had welcomed me to the mansion I had worked to make him happy with his choice. He had been proud of my every accomplishment, and in turn I was proud of myself, for possibly the first time in my adult life. And I found I craved that validation of myself, and I worked for it, and it made me a better person. That was Marie number one. When he had died I had floated around with no one to latch onto to give myself the will to continue. And so I had started to drink, and train far too hard, to dull the pain, and numb the emotions. Then Logan had found me, and I had created Marie number two, the animal that had grown out of my solo training. For Logan I was hunter and prey when we sparred. I grew hard when we worked to avoid feeling anything but the exhaustion of the matches, and the pain of the bruises, breaks and scars. And when we fell into bed together, it wasn't about love, or building intimacy, or even building the trust we were finding in the matches and training, it was about feral passion. Pure animal lust and satisfaction came with the orgasms, because that is what we both needed. I wanted to feel powerful, and vital, and desirable again, though in a different fashion than I had felt those things from Xavier. And, now I knew, that Logan wanted to feel the release from guilt, as well as the physical release that was just a part of his animal nature. And he wanted someone upon whom he could take out the rage that boiled under his skin, he found that in me, and I was that for him. And then there was Marie number three, the one who was finding Scott. Number two had found it easy to hate him, easy to place my blame and rage on his shoulders, for no better reason than he reminded me of Xavier, just as he reminded Jean of the same. That likeness had funnily enough driven her into Logan's arms, for a very different escape than I had sought.

Number three was the most confused. Scott needed me to be tender, non judgmental, to be a friend and a lover who would be faithful to him, and him alone. He needed the fantasy that he had created in order to keep himself from going under. And I realized that I was trying to be all that for him, despite the misgivings that number two had rightly brought up.

And so who was the real Marie; a combination of the three, I suspected. But it was sorting out the balance somehow, and somehow away from the influence of all these men, because I knew that I would fall into those roles so easily once I committed myself to one of them, unless I had a proper sense of myself first.

The thoughts of the three Maries were dancing around in my head when I arrived at the intended destination of my evening walk. Had there been a moon out the white marble would have glowed, but the moon was absent, between its cycles. No matter, I knew where I was, and I had come here prepared. I pulled a pillar candle out of my bag and a box of matches. Lighting it, I set it down on the grass, just in front of the slab. The flame illuminated the words carved into the variegated surface, not that I needed it to know what they said.

Charles Xavier, Mentor and Friend. I had thought it should say Hero as well, but it hadn't been my decision, and to me it would always say that, and Father. Of course he wasn't my real father, but he was everything I imagined a father would be, and should be.

The next things I pulled from the bag were two crystal glasses, wrapped in a towel against breakage, and a bottle of vintage port. I sat down in front of the candle, cross-legged on the grass and poured out both glasses.

"Saude Charles." I held my glass aloft, the flame catching the dark ruby liquid in a beautiful prism. I drank in his honor and then poured the contents of the other glass onto the ground in front of the candle.

"It's been almost a year Charles, and I still miss you every single day."

Once I had reached the age of majority Charles had often invited me into his study to share a glass of port or sherry, or brandy. I preferred the port. We'd talk about what had happened that day, or he'd ask me how I was feeling, and what I was dreaming about. I had gone and bought these about a month after he'd died. The bottle had cost me over two hundred dollars, but he was worth it. Then I had come to talk to him here. The first time I had just cried, the second time as well. The third time I had been angry, and then had felt guilty about it for days.

"Charles, I need your advice. I don't know what to do. I have to make some really tough decisions right now, but there's so much that is completely out of my control." I had thought that I only had three choices, but as I had explored the permutations it had turned into a terrible tangle. I could stay at the mansion and continue a relationship with Scott, if he decided that he didn't want to stay married to Jean. Or I could stay and not have a relationship with him, if he wanted to stay with Jean, or if he just didn't really want me. But that would be hard. And if he simply lost Jean, despite loving her, could I stay and be his second choice? I didn't know. It was much the same question with Logan. Though at least I knew I would be his second choice. But Logan had honor, he would never let me see the pain he would always feel at Jean's loss, if she rejected him. I had no doubts that were I to leave with him he would come to love me, as he had said he would. But, would that be enough for me?

"The only choice I have Charles, one that is really my own, is to leave, by myself."

"Please don't leave." The voice behind me was so soft, borne on the wind and I almost didn't believe that I had heard it, and that it was real. I wasn't startled. It simply seemed ethereal. Part of me had been hoping for an audible answer, even though I knew that was impossible. So I had thought.

"Scott." I matched the tone of his voice; I knew I was going to fall into the trap again, of being what he needed at the expense of myself.

"I don't want you to leave Rogue. I don't know what I would do without you." His voice was becoming louder, and I knew that he was only a few steps behind me that time. He came to stand beside me, as I continued, sitting on the grass, to focus on the tombstone.

"Scott, you would go on without me." I tried to hold on to the independence I had been cultivating over the last few hours.

"I would come after you."

"Oh Scott." I wished he wouldn't say things like that. He sat down beside me on the grass and reached for my hand. I was in my uniform gloves so I didn't pull away. He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed it softly. I could feel his warmth, even though the leather.

"What are you doing here Rogue?"

"Just having a drink with Charles." I held up my half full glass. "I just wanted to talk with him again for a little bit."

"You know he wouldn't want you to leave either."

"He would want me to be happy."

"Sometimes the perception of happiness doesn't turn out to be the best solution."

"Scott, we are entitled to try to be happy aren't we? We of all people."

"Yes." His answer was thoughtful, "Look, do you mind?" He reached across me and took my glass. "Salute Charles", he too toasted Xavier.

"Charles, it's been a long time since we talked, too long I suppose, and that's my fault." Scott was looking directly at the marker, just as I did when I spoke to the spirit of my friend. But I knew the words were for me.

"Charles, so much has changed around here since you left us. Charles, my wife Jean, who I loved more than my own life, turned to someone else to comfort her. I could never have honestly called Logan my friend Charles, but he was my teammate, and now I don't know what he is. He has always loved her Charles, he never could conceal it, but I had always believed that our bond was stronger than the temptation of his passion." I listened to his words; this had to be killing him. "I believe she may be lost to me forever." My hand tightened around his with the instinct to comfort him.

"And Charles, I turned to someone else myself, and I may be damned for it. She is here beside me, allowing me to hold her hand, but she is thinking about leaving the mansion, the X-Men and me."

At this he turned to me, though he still made out as if he was talking to Charles.

"Charles, I need you to tell her not to go. I need her." He took a deep breath, his eyes locked with mine, despite the dark, and his ruby glasses. "I think I might be falling in love with her, and I think I want her to fall in love with me." I was pretty sure my heart stopped beating at that point, I know I stopped breathing. Oh God – was the only thing in my head right then. But he kept focused on me, and kept talking.

"Charles, please tell her not to go, not until we are both sure of what we want."

I wanted to tell him right at that moment that I hated him, but I couldn't. I wished for the anger, it had been so much easier in the anger. At least then I had been certain of my emotions.

"Close your eyes Rogue."

"Why?"

"Because I am going to kiss you again, just quickly, because I want to prove to you and Charles that I am serious, and I need to touch you."

I said nothing, but did as he asked; I wanted to touch him too, so badly that my whole chest ached. I could feel his nearness, his face just hovering by mine. Then his lips brushed mine, like a feather, and were gone.

"Turn your head to the left Rogue, and open your eyes." There was nothing before me when I did but the trees, intact, I had taken nothing from him. I thanked God.

"You are a fool Scott Summers."

"Yes, I suppose I am Rogue." He was still holding my hand. "Will you stay Rogue? For me? For just a little while longer?" I knew it was a promise from him to make a decision, to confront the pain, and to move beyond it, one way, one woman or another.

"I hate you Scott." But I wasn't serious, and we both knew it.

"Do you want me to leave you alone to finish talking to Charles?"

"No, I think I've said and heard everything I need to." I extricated my hand from his, retrieved my glass of port, and finished it. Then I packed up Charles' glass, the bottle, and blew out the candle.

"Let me spend the night with you Rogue. Let me make love to you, and fall asleep with you, and wake up with you."

"And what will you tell her?"

"She won't ask. She's with Logan, I told her I wouldn't be back till very late. She said she'd be working in the lab in that case. She locks the door when she works with Cerebro, for safety. He'll be there waiting."

"Oh Scott, I really am sorry."

"I'm not, not anymore."


	11. Chapter 11: Ok, I can pick a pet name

Part 11

Scott began to pull his shirt free from the waistband of his pants. I stopped him silently. I changed my gloves, from the leather gauntlets I trained and worked in, to satin opera gloves, and I came back to him, taking over where he had left off. He lifted his arms for me, and I slid my hands between his shirt and his chest, pulling it off over his head, and tossing it onto my desk. The opportunity to run my hands over his chest, and around his hips to his back was too god to pass up, and he let me touch him that way, without a word, his eyes closed, and a beatific smile on his face. I leaned in close to his ear, not touching him, but close enough that he could most certainly feel my breath on his skin.

"Let me?" My voice was low. He shuddered and nodded. I pulled back the covers on my bed, down to the bottom sheet, and then I returned to him, tracing his waist with my fingertips, just delving below the waistband of his jeans. I liked that he had started to wear jeans all of a sudden. Not because it reminded me of Logan, but because he looked so damn hot in them; what a rear end this boy had. Meeting at the front, I ran my palms over him, just feeling the stirrings of his arousal, cupping him into me. Then I undid the buttons, and zipper, and allowed my fingers to delve further downwards, right up against him, with only the cotton of his shorts between my gloves and his rapidly growing erection. He moaned softly. I slid his jeans down to the floor; he kicked them off his feet. I pushed my whole body against him then, and ground myself against his hips as I walked him backwards to the bed.

"Lay down my lover." Even my body quivered as I heard myself address him that way, I heard him draw in a breath. His hands touched the fabric of my sheets, and his eyes looked up to question me. "Silk." I answered in response to his unspoken query. "I wanted it to be perfect." His smile was glorious as he lay back for me, and I climbed astride him. I had silk everywhere for him, and I pulled a slip across his face so I could bend and kiss him, and part his lips, and dart my tongue against him. His hands came to my hips, to pull me to him, and a continued to grind against him, feeling every twitch of his body as his desire grew. Another slip of silk and I lit my mouth on his chest, taking each nipple in turn, suckling it, and running my tongue over it till he began he began to softly cry out at the feeling of my teeth on him. I moved downwards, running my hands over his abdominals, feeling each swell and valley of the muscles, and feeling the tension in them grow as I drew closer to his center.

I carefully backed myself down his body, hooking my fingers into the band of his shorts, and delicately brought them down, leaving him naked before me, waiting for me, ready for my touch. I stroked him with my hands, from the tip to the base, very slowly, with just a little bit of pressure, having him nestled between my hands. He was rock hard, and obviously desperate, though holding himself back, I supposed, wanting to know where I was going to take him. He pressed the condom into my hand.

"I want you Rogue." He was nearly breathless.

"And you will have me my lover." I slid the latex over him, taking my time to maximize the pleasure of the act, and his anticipation of it. "But not before I have you." For just a moment he looked confused, but he had little time to ponder it, as I bent my head and drove my mouth over him. His whole body convulsed. I cupped him with my free hands, and gently rubbed his skin as I pulled my mouth back, just to the tip, where I circled over him with my tongue with increasing frequency and pressure. When he began to moan I started pulling him into my mouth, running back and forth, suckling him, and then I brought my teeth to his skin, very gently, but enough, I hoped, to be tantalizing. My hopes were not in vain. He began to move against me, driving himself against the pressure of my lips, and hands. His back arched into me, his hands tangled into my hair and his moaning became more intense, and louder, and I didn't give a damn if anyone else heard. I moved faster and faster against him, taking him deeper and deeper until I felt him pause, just for a millisecond, and I then I pulled against him harder than I ever had, and he released himself to me with a great cry of pleasure. I held him in my mouth and my hands through every spasm, until his body once again relaxed against the silk sheets, and he began to breath again regularly.

I pulled the silk sheet over his body and laid myself beside him, my cheek resting on his protected chest.

"Did you ever fantasize about that?" I asked playfully.

"Absolutely not. Oh god Rogue, that was amazing." He wrapped his arms around my back, and held me close to him.

"When we're alone, will you call me Marie, Scott?"

"Marie?"

"It's my middle name, but I prefer it. And if we really are to be lovers, then I want to hear it from you."

"I like the sound of that, Marie" He tested saying it, "And I like the sound of lovers as well."

"I had hoped you would Scott." I stood up, working on the fastening at the neck of my training suit. He watched me with his eyes, even as his hands dove under the sheets to remove the used condom. I stripped down to my undergarments in front of him.

"More." He whispered.

"You know it could be dangerous."

"You are worth every risk."

I stripped off everything but my gloves and then lay back beside him, throwing a leg over him and driving myself against his pelvis.

"Take me." I whispered to him, and he rolled me onto my back, intent on just that.

In a tangle of silk he was on top of me, wanting me, I could feel the stiffness of him against my legs, already. The silk between us, he cupped my breasts, and bent his head to please me, as I had pleased him. His skilled mouth brought me to trembling in hardly any time, even as his hands pushed against me roughly, bending my body to him. He plunged a hand between my legs, but even through the silk he could feel the heat of me, waiting for him. He rubbed his fingers against me, bringing me to my own cries. His insistence betrayed his desperation, as did the way his breaths came, in gasps. Another condom and he thrust himself inside me. For an instant, his force was painful, but my body quickly moved into time with his, rocking against him, taking him into me as deeply as I could. We were both panting with the exertion, but driven by the need to reach a shared climax, and never once did he take his eyes from my face. With every stroke I could see the desire he had for me, and the way he saw me. In that moment I was his lover, as deeply and truly as anyone could be. And I wanted him to always look at me in that way.

The rush came for me first, and I pulled myself tight to him, holding him inside me as my body convulsed over him in waves, finally drawing forth his second orgasm. And we collapsed against each other, miraculously, without me hurting him. He rolled away from me, carefully rearranging the silk sheet over me, and then himself on top of it, finally drawing the blanket over us both. I felt spent, and lazy, and let my eyes close, to feel the last of the release ebb away. I could feel his fingertips tracing over my breasts and down my hips in his own languid way, no real purpose, other than to assure himself that I was real, and that I was still there.

"Please don't leave me Marie."

"I'll be here when you wake up Scott."

"Be here every morning."

I let myself drift to sleep without an answer.


	12. Chapter 12: Wolverines on a plane

Part 12

The knock on the door woke me, not the sun through my shutters. It was insistent, but not loud, and it was followed by a voice, spoken almost through the keyhole.

"Rogue?" It was Logan's voice. "Rogue, please, answer the door, I need to find Scott." He had woken at nearly the same time as I; we stared at each other, I looking to him for guidance about what we should do. "Please Rogue, I've looked everywhere, there's an emergency."

He nodded to me, and I got out of bed, pulled a robe around myself, and opened the door, just a bit. Behind me, Scott was pulling on his jeans.

"What do you need Logan?"

"There's a hijacking in progress at JFK, they need us." Scott's hand rested above mine on, and he opened the door fully. He stood, unashamed in front of Logan, with just a bit of a superior sort of smirk on his face. It didn't last long, and I didn't find it distasteful. It just seemed to fit the personal animosity, which had always existed between them, outside of the X-Men.

"What do we know?" He was pulling his arms into his sleeves.

"They're ready to brief us in your office, five minutes."

"Get everyone together Logan, where's Jean?"

"She was asleep last I saw her, I wanted to find you first."

I could hardly believe the two men in front of me, it was as if they had switched on different personas all of a sudden. Well, perhaps I could believe it, it was something we could all do when a crisis arose.

"Rogue? You'll meet us there?" I nodded, and the two men took off down the hall, looking every bit the teammates they had always been. It was quite likely they would eventually come to blows, but not now, not when the X-Men were needed. I quickly pulled on the discarded training uniform and gloves, if anyone asked, I could easily say I had been running; and Logan, I knew, would say absolutely nothing.

It was less than three minutes and we were all in the new office, listening to and watching a SHIELD agent on the conference viewscreen tell us what was happening. I had no time to watch Logan, Scott or Jean's faces, that concern was the farthest from my mind right then.

"We believe there are four hijackers, at least one is in the cockpit with a gun to the captain's head. The co-pilot is dead, they shot him as they boarded, and pushed his body onto the tarmac as they disconnected the boarding ramp assembly. The other three are in the forward cabin, they took the plane just as it was loading the first class passengers, we are told by the airline that twelve civilians had boarded, if four were hijackers, that leaves eight. The crew is eight, with just the pilot in the cockpit."

"What are they demanding?"

"They want to talk to someone in the state department, and they don't want to see any police on the ground or they've threatened to shoot a passenger."

"Who are they, and who's on board?"

"We don't know yet, we're working on face identification from the airport cameras. What we know now is that the passengers include two CEO's and the husband of a Defense Department Colonel. They have said they will only talk to two, unarmed, State Department Officials. All other hails have gone unanswered."

Scott thought for just a moment, and then turned to us all. "We're going in blind then folks, Ororo, you need to lay down a cover of fog at the airport so that plane can't take off. Kurt, we can't disguise you, they'll find the image transducer as soon as they search you for weapons. Jean, you're going to need to stay with me on the ground, you're the only one who can give us information from inside that plane and tell us what's going on. We can't send in anyone with wires." That left Logan and I. "You two can pass for normal humans, and you don't need to carry weapons to be effective, you'll have to go in and figure out what they want. Secondary objective will be to disarm them without getting anyone killed. Kurt, get ID's made up for them now. You both are going to have to look like feds."

"Do you have a suit Rogue? I can get you one." Jean asked me, and I felt just a bit insulted.

"Of course I do. I'll be right back." I tore out of the room, of course I had a suit, one, I bought it for the funeral. It would be just fine. Stockings, skirt, pressed white shirt and jacket, and even dress shoes, flats, but that would work. I was back in the office in less than five minutes, twirling my hair into a bun as I ran down the hall. Logan was there already getting help to tie his necktie from Ororo. Kurt was warming up the Blackbird.

They further briefed us on the short flight to JFK. There were photos of the suspected hijackers, and the hostages, and I went through them carefully, making sure I committed each to memory. Logan was beside me doing the same. When I was done, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the seat. I felt him draw very close to my ear, to whisper to me.

"Damn darlin' you sure are bringing up some nice school mistress fantasies in that outfit." Then he growled in my ear, I laughed and smacked him across the shoulder.

"I love working with you, yah goof." His line was just what I had needed to break the tension and put me in a better frame of mind.

"Yeah, it feels good don't it? We don't have to lose this feeling you know?"

"Logan, you know I'll always be on your team, whether you call me from across the hall or across the country, I'll always fight at your side."

"I count on that darlin', more than you know." He kissed me on the top of the head, all under Scott's watchful gaze. But the detent held.

The flight wasn't long, and as we landed Storm began to create the fog that would sock in the runways. It seemed almost like walking out onto the moors in a Holmes-esq scene. My mind turned to Scott, and his office, briefly, and I met his eyes across the cabin. He was focused, that was obvious, but I saw, or imagined I saw, something else there; I smiled at him, just slightly, hoping he understood. The SHIELD agent met us at the foot of the walkway.

"We believe that we have one hijacker in the cockpit, and three in the cabin, one of whom is at the door, just behind one of the stewards. The ramp is in place, about ten feet away. We'll pull it up when you get over there. Any questions?"

It was simple enough, get in, disarm the hijackers, and don't let anyone get killed. A regular day for an X-Man. Scott added his piece as Logan was getting in the little golf cart.

"Jean will be monitoring you from the terminal. As always, concentrate on her name and she'll know it's time to start listening." That thought suddenly made me feel nervous. I knew I should be able to keep my mind focused on the job, but I was afraid that thoughts of Scott, or even Logan might intrude. I was sure Scott could see the brief moment of worry that crossed my face because he pulled me aside just before I could get into the cart, squeezing my hand.

"If today is the day then so be it Marie." He whispered into my ear.

"Thank you." I mouthed back, as I went to meet Logan.

We both presented the ID's that Kurt had created for us as we reached the top of the ramp. I wasn't nervous about them passing scrutiny, Kurt was excellent at his reproductions. We were ushered into the plane, and the door closed behind us, now we were alone. I looked into the faces of the eight passengers, trying to smile just a bit to reassure them.

"Take off your jackets." We both did as asked. They intended to search us, which we had expected. There was nothing to hide. I didn't even have my gloves on, so I knew I was going to have to be careful, and fast. One man approached me, and holstered his gun. I know the others were watching us closely. He scanned over me.

"I think you'd better come in the back with me, I need to search you properly."

"She's not your woman is she?" The man patting down Logan asked, not that Logan's answer would have changed anything.

"Nope, just a colleague." He sounded a little more disinterested than I would have liked, but no matter. I walked to the back of the plane, beyond the screens that separated first class from economy. This man was making it so easy, not that he knew it.

A hand on my shoulder stopped my progress. I turned back to him, looking directly into deep brown eyes, without wavering. He put his hands on my chest, and tried to cup my breasts, mumbling about what I could be concealing. One hand went down my leg, and started working its way up under my skirt. I gave him a moment longer to lose himself, knowing that in a matter of inches he'd be touching my bare leg. And as soon as he did, I felt the first shock of his pain, and I put my bare hands directly onto the skin of his face, and he was mine, without a sound.

I tucked the body between two rows of seats so it would not be obvious should someone look back quickly. As I was doing so I tried to rapidly sort through the memories I had taken from him. I hated having another person in my head, especially a stranger, but I knew I had to focus, just in case there was something else I needed to know. I let motivations, and memories of anger slip by unchecked, and then I found it: the fifth compatriot, and not one I would have suspected.

"Ok Jean, let 'er rip." I felt the fingers of her mind reach out into my head. That was another feeling I hated. I knew, I trusted that she would take only what was at the surface, and that would be confusing, because, at that point, there were still two personalities there.

I pulled my hair askew a bit, left my jacket behind, and made as if I was straightening my blouse as I returned to the forward cabin. Logan eyed me quite suspiciously. I tried to keep a composed look on my face, for the sake of everyone who was now staring at me.

"Everything ok?"

"I'm fine." I looked at the remaining two armed men.

"Where is he?" They weren't using names, so they weren't complete amateurs.

"He sent me back here while he cleaned up." They leered at each other, apparently satisfied. I made to sit down beside the passenger I now knew as the fifth. By now, I surmised, Logan had a good idea what was going on. I saw him maneuver the hijackers away from looking directly at me. I took the opportunity to lean into the passenger at my right.

"I have a message from your wife."

"Yes?" He whispered back to me.

"If you move, or so much as make a sound I will kill you where you sit, and I promise you that it will be unpleasant." He went quite pale at my words. Logan had heard me, his hearing was quite acute, and in that instant I heard the 'snickt' of his claws emerging. The sound of them being plunged into the bodies of the men was not so distinct, but the sight of them falling to the ground made my seatmate gasp. I took the opportunity to smack his head against the inside wall of the cabin, and he too crumpled. I wasn't quite a woman of my word, I hadn't killed him, I would leave that to his wife. And besides, someone needed to be questioned and we were already down three.

Logan was giving orders to the flight crew to take everyone to the back of the plane, and to deplane them via the emergency chute as soon as they heard the door to the cockpit torn away. They'd know when, he assured them, brandishing his claws aloft. I took my place by his side, I loved to watch him in action, and it hurt just a bit to think, that I soon might not get to see him every day.

"So, how are we going to do this Logan?"

"Well, the way I see it darlin' is that I'm gonna have to take this door down, but as soon as he hears that he's either going to turn to us, or try to shoot the pilot. I've got a better chance against the gun than you, so I'm gonna go high, and get myself between him and the pilot, you go low and get him off his feet. And don't get shot ok."

"Well, if he shoots me I'll let you kiss me, and make it better." He pondered that for just a moment, then grinned at me.

"Ready then?"

"You got it, count it down for me Logan."

"Three, two, one."

Many things happened in the moment that followed Logan tearing the door clear from its casings. It splintered and I tore through. Obviously the man had suspicions that something was up, because he was half turned towards me. I contacted his knees and he stumbled backwards into the instrument panel. Logan's body flashed over me, claws outstretched, plunging through the glass of the windshield, sweeping the pilot along with himself. For such a brute, he could be terribly graceful; he curled his body around the pilot, setting his shoulders against the jagged glass. His body took the blow as they both went through. I smelled the brimstone so I knew Kurt must have intercepted them both, bringing them safely to the tarmac.

My quarry was angry, if not a bit stunned when he hit the console, but he still had the presence of mind to raise his gun and pull the trigger. My hand was moving for his face at the same time as he fired; he hadn't been aiming, just reacting, but I was still surprised when I felt the burn across the back of my right leg.

"Bloody Hell! That hurt!" I hollered out, and then I had him in my grasp. I didn't get the chance to actually take him though, because I felt him roughly torn away from me. I watched him fly through the shattered cockpit doorframe, as Logan came into view.

"Rogue! Are you ok?"

I looked down at my leg, blood was beginning to pool from a long burnt looking gash. "The bastard shot me!" I was still incredulous.

"I'm going to get you out of here, hang on." And he had me pulled up into his arms, and pressed to his chest. I tried to caution him against touching my raw skin, fearing that I would start to absorb his powers, but he pointed out he still had his long sleeve shirt on, so was quite safe. Thankfully he did not once again leap from the cockpit window, but returned to the ramp, where he walked me quite civilly out of the plane, and to the ground. I could see Scott racing across the tarmac from the security of Logan's grasp now that the unnatural fog was lifting.

"What happened?" I heard his voice calling.

"She's been shot." Logan called back, and then Scott was at my side.

"Are you alright Rogue?"

"Bastard ruined my suit."

Almost in unison the two replied, "I'll buy you a new one." For just one brief moment they smiled at each other, and then the moment passed.

"She'll be fine, just a flesh wound." Logan looked at Scott, and then passed me into his arms. "You take care of her Scott." The other just nodded.

By now the others surrounded us, and Scott was issuing orders. Logan was to stay behind with Jean and Ororo, to help with the hostages, and to brief SHIELD and interrogate the one remaining conspirator, who I had left in the plane. He ordered Kurt to fire up the Blackbird so they could get me back to the mansion for Dr. McCoy to examine, and patch up. And so it went, we were a well-organized and effective team, one last time.


	13. Chapter 13: getting fixed up

Part 13

I was lying in the infirmary, on my stomach, while Dr. Hank McCoy fussed over the wound to the back of my leg. At that point I was quite thankful that I couldn't see what he was doing, because it probably would have hurt even more than it did right then. He was humming and hawing over the thing as Scott came in, now changed out of the bloody uniform.

"How is she Hank?"

"Oh she'll live to be her scintillating self once again no doubt." I was slightly offended; I didn't think I had pissed off Hank as well along the way. "Kidding." He patted me on the shoulder as I half turned to look at him with an odd gaze in my eyes. "You'll be fine. It's probably going to scar, and you may need some plastics work eventually, but it wasn't deep enough to do any real damage to the muscles; nothing that won't heal on its own ay any rate."

Well that's ok, I thought to myself, I wasn't really worried about a scar anyways; I could just add it to the collection.

"You are going to need to take it easy for awhile though, while the skin heals, so you don't tear it up again. So leave off the training for a week at least, it might be a bit uncomfortable to put pressure on, so sleep on your side. Come by in the morning and I'll change the dressing."

"Thanks Doc." I pushed myself up off the table, and let Scott help me down to the floor. The leg was starting to feel stiff even before Hank wrapped the circumference of it with a white gauze band. "Scott? Can you give me a hand to get back to my room, I really want to get washed up and into some proper clothes."

"Now don't get the dressing wet ok?" Well damn, that was going to make a shower more difficult. Ah well, I'd figure out something.

Scott helped me hobble down the hall and into my room. Once there, and once the door was closed and bolted I slipped out of my blouse and what was left of my skirt, I tossed both into the garbage.

"I'll just clean myself up a bit Scott, I'm sure you want to get back to the others at JFK?"

"Oh, they'll be back soon enough. Let Logan handle the debrief for once, after all, if he's going to be leading his own team he's going to need the practice."

"You know about that do you?" I wasn't really surprised.

"Yeah I do."

"I suppose I should tell you that he invited me to go along with him eh?"

"Really? That I didn't know. What did you tell him?"

"I haven't told him anything yet." Which was the truth.

"So you're considering it?"

I walked into the bathroom, and began to run the water, Scott hadn't followed me.

"I had to consider it Scott, I didn't know what was going to happen around here." Still don't, I thought to myself.

"Is that what you were talking to Xavier about?"

"Amongst other options, yes." I splashed water onto my face; it felt good to wash away the stale air from the two planes I had ridden in today. The freezing that Hank had injected before he started cleaning the wound was starting to wear off and I could feel the beginning of a burning on my leg again. I winced. When I looked back at myself in the mirror, Scott was standing behind me, a real look of concern on his face.

"You liked working with Logan today didn't you?"

"I like working with all the X-Men."

"But Logan is different isn't he?"

"He is Scott, he and I fight on a very different level than most of you. We're mostly the 'shoot first' kind of warriors. Strategy and intellect, well, that's for brilliant folks like you, and Kurt and Jean. Logan and I just take the orders, and execute them."

"I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit Marie." I did like when he used my name, it made me all fluttery inside.

"It's ok Scott, I'm not bothered or upset by the reality of my talents; not in that sense at least." I had turned to look at him properly, and not reversed in the mirror.

"What are you bothered by?"

I looked at him thoughtfully for a moment and I let a little smile turn the corners of my mouth. "Scott, I'd really like to be able to kiss you, and touch you, without something in between us. The fact that I can't turn my powers off sometimes, especially times like now, when you are standing here in front of me, looking so amazing, and me wanting to have you so much. Well, that bothers me, when I let myself think about it."

"We'll find a way Marie." I smiled, not believing a word he said, because I had long ago given up on that kind of hope, but humoring him anyways.

"I really want to try to wash my hair and get cleaned up, do you think there's anyway you could help me?"

"Of course I will."

Despite his hopes to the contrary, Scott was eventually called away to speak with Nick Fury, the big guy over at SHIELD, I didn't know him personally, he didn't much bother with the grunts like me, and I didn't mind. Politics and protocols never much impressed me anyways. It was easier to take the orders and get the results, than have to debrief and explain yourself anyways. I wondered how Logan was going to manage that part of the job; maybe the Canadians had a different way of doing things?

The freezing from Hank's ministrations to my leg was completely worn off by then, and despite his careful job and packing and dressing the wound, I was in a considerable amount of pain. I wouldn't have thought that it would be that bad, but every time I moved it seemed to pull at the torn muscle, and I couldn't lay on my back that well either. I debated going back to the infirmary to ask for something else to help dull things so I could sleep, because I didn't sleep on my stomach, and I knew, even if I started out on the side that wasn't injured I was going to end up back on my back, and it was going to wake me up. Of course, my pride was getting in the way of me seeking the pain meds; I hated anyone seeing me as weak, even though I am sure no one would have blamed me for the action. So I was debating with myself, deciding if the walk would cause more trouble than it was worth, and ruling out flying in the hallways for fear of a greater chance of collision, or muscle strain, when there was a knock on my door. Night had fallen long ago, I had missed dinner, but that didn't much matter; perhaps Scott was finished with Fury? I shuffled myself off the bed slowly, and went to the door.

"Hi Rogue."

"Hey Logan." I guess he must have come back with Fury.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." I moved myself backward, stiffed legged, obviously looking quite awkward.

"Oh, darlin'. How's the leg?"

"Oh, Hank says it'll heal, add a new scar to the collection for sure. He tells me I have to leave off training for awhile, so I guess our run in the woods has to be a rain check?"

"I feel like absolute shit for what happened to you Rogue."

"Logan? You didn't shoot me, don't worry about it."

"Yeah, but I shoulda been the one to take the bullet, that was what I meant to happen."

"Logan, unless you can see through doors you had as much of an idea what was going to happen as I did. I don't blame you. I'll be fine in a couple of weeks."

His demeanor got a bit more relaxed, so I knew things were going to be serious again. "You know we can speed that up?"

Oh, I knew exactly what he meant, let me take his healing powers for a few hours.

"No Logan." I answered his question before he asked it.

"We've done it before, it was fine, no harm done to me."

"It's dangerous."

"I'm still here."

"Hank won't go for it."

"So we'll tell him after." He had a counter point to every argument I could come up with, and if I was going to be honest with myself I wanted the simple cure so I could be done with the pain.

"Ok Logan, thank you." He grinned at me.

"Excellent, c'mere." He held his hands out to me.

"Not here though, your room."

"Why?"

"Because you've been adapting to me over the last six months, and don't tell me you haven't noticed that we can spend longer and longer in contact with no ill effects."

"I suppose that's true."

"The last time we did this you passed out."

"The situation was a lot more grave than now."

"Still. We'll go to your room, that way you can lie down on the bed, because you know I'll never be able to lift you if you hit the floor." I smirked at him, he smirked back, the imagery of him on his bed was obviously doing more for him than I had imagined. "I'll take the bare minimum from you, and then I can watch you until you wake up, hopefully not more than a few hours."

"You'll lay down beside me?"

"No, I'll watch you from a chair Logan."

"Well that's no fun."

"You'll be unconscious, you wouldn't remember the fun anyways."

"Fine."


	14. Chapter 14: Transference

It was late, Logan's room was dark, but he wouldn't let me turn on any lights. He insisted on candles, acting like this transference of his healing powers was some type of ritual, to be treated with reverence. That or he was just playing me, based on the guilt he still felt about so many things when it came to me. I suspected the thought had crossed his mind, that when I took his powers I would have a brief glimpse into his soul. Perhaps that thought frightened him, not that it had ever stopped him. At best, he knew he could trust my discretion, at worse; he had always been honest with me, so no matter what I saw, how could it really hurt me?

He sat on the end of his bed, and pulled off his boots, then his tee shirt, which left him in his white vest. My heart leapt at the sight of him in the candle flame, but it was an animal response. He looked at me, and I saw regret in his eyes, but I didn't want to explore it, for so many reasons.

"How do you want to do this?" He could have said so many other off color things, and made it a sexual invitation, but he chose not to. That said something about him, in that moment, which I would have hours, alone, to explore as I watched over him.

"Why don't you lie down Logan?" I took off my gloves and came beside him on the bed. I couldn't really sit there, but I was able to lean against the mattress, balanced on my left side and my left hand. I brought my hand to hover just over his cheek. "Still time to back out darling."

"Not a chance." He smiled at me, and he looked so tender at that moment. I put my hand on his skin, and whispered 'thank you' as I brought my lips down to his, and kissed him. I knew it would possibly be the last time I did so, not because I was going to kill him, but because I knew he would be leaving, and right then, I really believed that I wasn't going with him. He forced his tongue into my mouth, and my whole frame shuddered with the passion behind it, but I let myself enjoy it, that one last time, because, if I was honest with myself, I did enjoy it.

After thirty seconds or so though, I could feel him slipping away from me physically, as I felt his energy coming into me. I pulled my face back, and watched as he faded into unconsciousness, and then I took my hand away from him, and stood up awkwardly, feeling his energy begin its course through my system. I hated having the life force of a stranger inside me, or an enemy, but his was so much like a warm blanket, holding me from the inside. It felt safe to have him within me, just as it always felt safe in his arms, and it didn't take long before I could feel the focus of his abilities in my leg. Now I hadn't taken much of his power at all, as I had promised him, only enough to start the healing. Had the bullet wound been his, it would have been healed in moments, I knew it would take at least an hour to fully work in me. We had done this before, and I could heal faster, but the risk to his life was too great, we had learned after the first time, after the first 'accident' where I was driven by the need to survive, overriding friendship and everything else. We were so much more careful now; we had so much more to lose.

It took about fifteen minutes and I was able to sit without pain, and so I pulled up his old pine chair, which might have looked more appropriate on a cabin porch than in the mansion, and I settled myself in to watch. It occurred to me that the chair was no more different than Logan himself, anachronistic, and incongruous with its surrounding, but somehow necessary to their proper workings. I looked at Logan, as he 'slept', his face lit by the flickering. I couldn't say that he looked peaceful, because he didn't. His face never seemed to lose the tense look of the hand that life had dealt him. He reminded me of how a funereal stone carving of a warrior, like Genghis Khan, or Alexander the Great should have looked, laid out on their tombs; their faces still looking as if they could stand right up and rejoin the battle. Logan was like that. Even when he meditated his face never softened. Oh, sometimes his eyes did, just briefly, and that was the moment of his greatest honesty. But his jaw was always set, and his eyes pinched, even as they were now in unconsciousness, and one got the opinion that perhaps his battles never did truly end, and that he waged them whether conscious or unconscious. That thought made me feel very sad at that moment.

I moved my eyes to his chest, and watched the rise and fall of it, counting to myself so I could gauge the rhythm, and know if anything started to change, one way or the other. I had so far managed to keep his distinct thoughts from cropping into the forefront of my mind; he was still my protection, in the background. But I knew, as the healing process reached its conclusion, that it would be harder to keep them at bay. One crisis at a time I figured.

A great many thoughts crossed my mind as I watched him, and I began to wonder if I had judged Jean too harshly. I had always looked at Logan as the antithesis of Scott, and assumed that this was why Jean had been drawn to him, but it began to dawn on me, that it was likely so much more than that. It was obviously the influence of Logan's thought patterns that was now guiding me, but I wanted to explore where they would go, fully. It cam to mind that her choice might have been more about her than about him f one got right down to it. If you got right down to it, Jean was a woman with a great deal of responsibilities on her shoulders. She, as much as Scott, led the X-men, and ran the school, and so many people counted on her each day for their well-being, and for their direction. She had taken on as much of the Xavier mantle as Scott had after his death. His pursuit of other mutants, and his attempts to include them into the fold of the school had fallen on her. And while I had always assumed that she had wanted that task, perhaps she had not. Perhaps she had wanted her own time to grieve in her way, and perhaps this had been forced on her by the expectations of those around her, perhaps even by Scott, who likely felt that to continue the work would be the best form of tribute. I had never considered the possibility before. Perhaps she had gone to Logan to escape the person that everyone else expected her to be; because Logan asked for nothing else besides her love and companionship. To have, even that few hours in which there was no pressure on you to be anything but your true self: that would be an understandable motive. For Logan she was only Jean, the woman he had fallen in love with, practically on first sight. He had put her on a pedestal and worshipped her for years, what woman could not be flattered by that? He had no demands, on the contrary, he wanted to do for her, and be for her, what a relief and joy that must have been. She had gone to him to escape the person that everyone expected her to be, and I had gone to escape the person I was becoming, how damned ironic? I had to wonder though, and again this thought may have come from Logan himself; how long would she enjoy being on the pedestal? Would she someday find that she needed to be on an equal footing with her lover? And would Logan be able to be that for her?

She and Scott had come together because they were the same; the same drives, the same power, the same leadership qualities. Logan and I had come together under circumstances less noble than that, but we were also kindred spirits in our own way. It was getting so hard to sort out whose feelings were whose as the night wore on and his spirit took a greater hold in my subconscious. I hoped that I was plateauing now, it had been about four hours, and his influence should be starting to fade. I counted his breaths again, still steady, still relaxed, all was well with him in his forced rest.

My leg was one hundred percent now, so I stood and began to unwind the bandages that had held the dressing in place. Logan was unconscious, and besides, shucking my pants off in front of him really wasn't an issue. The dressing still had the traces of the blood and antiseptic on it, but the skin beneath was now unblemished except for the faint yellow stain of the betadine soap Hank had swabbed me with. No trace remained of the wound or the burn from the gunshot, and the skin felt as smooth as that around it. I couldn't help but smile. Again Logan had given me an impossible gift. Now that I could move freely I went to sit beside him on the bed, moving slowly so I did not disturb his own healing. I ran a gloved finger down the side of his face, and watched as the tight lines relaxed under my touch just briefly. I felt his pulse, it was stronger than I had expected, and that was good. I went back to the chair and continued to watch. I was not tired just yet, not with Logan's strength still running through my veins. Everything remained quiet for a good few hours, and I let my mind wander to all manner of things in waking dreams, even to Scott. And when I was able to think of him, with my mind unclouded by guilt, I knew that Logan was fading and that I was becoming wholly myself again.

When Jean and Logan left together, for how could they not, knowing how much he loved her, and what she did for him, then there would be just Scott and I, and he would be for me, what Logan was for Jean, the person who would allow me to finally be myself, not the construct that others expected of me. I would merge the three Maries and find the balance of the person I was meant to be all along. That would be Xavier's legacy in me, and Logan's and Scott's. I would finally be myself. At least I hoped so; after all, I could fantasize too couldn't I?

I had intended to wait with Logan until he awoke fully, but a new, but familiar pain in my gut forced me to change my plans. The ache was not from hunger, that I could have worked past easily, it was something else, more biological, and I had obviously lost count of the days again. Logan's healing power could have done nothing for the cramps, because they weren't an injury. I moved myself to Logan's side on the bed again, but this time he began to rouse. I touched his face again, and smiled as his eyes opened.

"Hi darling."

"Hey Marie." His voice was still slow, and languid from the healing process. "Are you feeling better?"

"Everything is perfect now Logan, thank you." He smiled back in a dreamy sort of way that betrayed his happiness.

"You're welcome." He let his eyes close again.

"I'm going to go now Logan, you're going to be fine."

"No, stay and sleep beside me now, please."

"I can't Logan, I have to go, really."

"Ok."

I looked at him for a few more moments in silence, and then I had to speak.

"If Jean does not love you completely for the man that you are, then she is a fool." His eyes drifted open again, and he made the effort to focus on my face. "Your love for her is the greatest gift someone could give." I felt his hand take mine.

"I love you too Rogue."

"And I love you as well Logan, my friend." I bent and brushed his lips with mine. "I always will. I'll see you again in a few hours."

He did not try to stop me as I left. I knew he was going to be fine, and I was now starting to feel the exhaustion of being awake for more than twenty-four hours; and the pain of the cramping. In my own room I pulled off my clothing, threw some water on my face, and swallowed two painkillers, then I crawled under my blankets alone, and let the fatigue take me.


	15. Chapter 15: Scott goes off the deep end

Part 15

I might have heard someone knocking on my door as I slept, but it also could have been a dream. Someone might have even opened the door to check on me, but I was not to be woken. It was actually dark outside my windows when I was able to open my eyes and keep them open, and my little bedside clock showed 9:34 pm. Wow, I thought to myself, I had slept over fifteen hours. That was very unusual for me. But at least when I woke I felt no trace of Logan in my mind, no strange cravings for a beer or a cigar, and no pain either, except for the ever-present cramps, and hunger, finally. Driven by my stomach I got up, had a shower, pulled on some jeans and headed out to the kitchen to see what kind of leftovers there might have been.

Things seemed very quiet, more so than usual, until I saw the notice on the fridge that it was movie night, and that Ro and Kurt had offered to take everyone over to the multiplex outside of town. They probably wouldn't be back until after midnight. That was good, I was quite happy with the silence. I found some leftover roast beef in the kitchen, and it made a decent sandwich, which at least quieted my stomach. I had a big glass of apple juice to go with it; all part of the new Marie, and then I thought I should maybe go and find Scott. I hadn't seen him in nearly a whole day. I figured I'd start with his office, and so I headed down that hallway.

The door was closed, but I knocked anyways, hoping he was inside. I heard nothing for a moment, and was about to turn away when there were audible footsteps from within. The door opened.

"Hi Scott? Are you busy? I can come back."

He tried to smile at me, but his face looked rather drawn, and it concerned me. I wasn't about to force my way in, but I sincerely hoped that he would invite me.

"No, I'm not busy." He stepped aside for me to enter, but didn't close the door behind me I noticed. Something was up.

"Are you ok?" He didn't answer the question.

"How is your leg?"

"All better." I smiled, kind of proud.

"What?" He seemed shocked, and unhappy, and I did not like where things seemed to be going. "How?"

I was hesitant to answer, but I wanted to be honest, as I had asked him to be with me. "Logan."

"Oh god Rogue," he wasn't using my name I noticed, "you two didn't?"

"We've done it before, we're both ok, and we were careful." I tried to justify things to him. I had never even considered that he would have issue with the transference: a gross error on my part.

"So that's why you were sleeping all day, you were up all night, with him." So he had come to my room, I had not dreampt it.

"I stayed up to watch over him afterwards Scott, to make sure he'd be ok. He took a risk with his offer to me."

"Exactly, a risk, too big a risk, you could have killed him."

"We were careful Scott, and now I don't have to face weeks of healing, and plastic surgery, and the pain." His expression softened for just a moment at the mention of the pain.

"But don't you end up with his thoughts in your head?"

"Just for a little while, they're gone now, just me again." I knew my voice was starting to sound desperate.

"I'm glad the pain is gone Rogue. I never wanted you to be in pain." He had turned away from me, and my unease was growing. I stood still, unsure what to do. He turned back after a few moments. "It's late, but we could still go out if you want to."

"I don't know Scott." Was totally the wrong thing to say. He looked at me, with disdain, like he had before, when he was calling me those terrible names. I was horrified to see that countenance come across his face. His left hand shot out and grabbed me around the arm.

"You slept with him again didn't you?!" His grip got tighter. "You said you would be honest with me Marie! You're so tired because you took his powers while you were fu-" He couldn't finish the word and I was glad for it.

"I didn't sleep with Logan Scott, I sat, in a chair, and watched him all night long, and when he woke up I went back to my room and fell asleep myself. You saw me! Alone!" The anger was coming back, fueled by the eyes that were staring at me. "I have been honest with you!"

"You want to go away with him too!" –Too- oh god, Jean had said something to him, and he was breaking.

"Scott, you're hurting me!" He began to shake my arm in his grip.

"I told you to be honest with me!" His face was fury, and our voices were drawing others to the office.

"I have been honest with you!"

"Then why don't you want to be with me tonight?!"

Logan and Jean came through the door with force, and it smashed against the doorstop.

"Isn't it enough that I said no? Don't you trust me enough to believe I have a good reason?! Do you have to instantly believe that it's because I am betraying you?!"

Logan took two steps towards us, I could hear the growl starting in his chest.

"You have betrayed me!"

"Let go of me!" I spoke it through clenched teeth, spittle flying, "You're hurting me!"

Logan's arm came out and tore me away from Scott, but my fury was beyond stopping at that point. I was faced with the three people who had been manipulating me for months, whether they knew it or not, but I was beyond making those allowances.

"The three of you make your choices then! Have it out amongst yourselves! You boys can whip them out, and see whose is bigger, and then piss in a corner, or whatever it is you do to mark your territory! I am having none of this anymore! You figure out who gets Jean! But you just keep in mind that I am not a second place ribbon for either of you! I am worth more than that!" Jaws were dropping everywhere. "You say I haven't been honest with you Scott?! Well maybe you're right, there was one thing I never told you!" He tried to keep defiance in his eyes, thinking that he had won some kind of moral victory at that moment, but he was wrong. "I love you Scott Summers, I never told you that! And I sure as hell hope the bruises on my arm last for a very long time, so that every time I look in the mirror and see them I can be reminded of what an idiot I was to ever feel that way about you!" I was at the door now, but I wasn't finished screaming yet. I could see the smug look in his face was gone, and it was being replaced with one of his own sense of horror.

"Whenever you folks decide what you are doing with your lives, you can come and tell me, if you can find me! Oh, and Scott, the reason I didn't feel like going out tonight is because I have cramps, because my cycle just started, and I don't feel particularly sexy, or aroused! Thank you so much for making my humiliation complete!" And I slammed the door behind me, making it rattle on already weakened hinges.


	16. Chapter 16: Departures

Part 16

When I had first come to the mansion, ironically, sought out by Jean and Scott, I had everything I owned in an ancient army surplus duffle bag. I hadn't accumulated a great deal of things in my time there, and I had parted with a lot of things that reminded me of my past, but one thing I had kept, for some reason I would probably never take the time to discover, was the old green duffle bag. It was at the bottom of my closet, where it had always been, and I hauled it out as I stormed back to my room, throwing it onto my bed, and flinging after it, everything I was taking with me. I threw my own uniforms, the green and gold, onto the pile, and my training uniforms, but everything that had the X symbol on it was left behind in the closet. I took my jeans, and long sleeve shirts, the two dresses I owned, and the four pairs of shoes besides the suede boots I wore for combat. I pulled open the drawers of my dresser violently, and took what I needed, leaving the piles of scarves and silk behind. I was never going to fall into that trap again.

My bathroom's attentions resulted in numerous shattered bottles but a small kit of necessities emerged, and it joined the pile on my bed. I wanted no memories of this place, and so I left every picture on the wall, and every note in my desk. There was nothing else, and so I began to shove it all into the wide mouth of the bag, haphazardly, but I could sort it out later. I pulled on a coat and slipped into my boots and was just throwing up the sash on my window when there was a forceful knock on my door. I had almost made it.

"Go away!" I shouted.

"No!" It was not the voice I had hoped to hear, if I had really hoped for anything at all. "Open the door Rogue or I'll take it down!"

"Do what you have to Logan!"

I heard the 'snickt' and the door was reduced to kindling.

"You can pay to fix that!"

"Whatever." He was across the room, slamming the window shut, and narrowly missing my fingertips. I stared at him violently.

"Let me leave Logan, you don't want me, I just want to get out of here."

"No, you will listen to me!" He moved to clutch my arms, but thought better of it before he could touch me, and backed away. "Please let me tell you what's happened."

"I can guess."

"You'd be wrong."

"Fine!" I sat down with a huff, letting my bag drop to the floor beside the bed.

"Scott sent me to stop you from leaving."

"Yeah? Well if he really gave a damn he'd have come himself."

"He couldn't."

"Why?" My venom was not abating.

"Jean wouldn't let him." –Oh fabulous- I rolled my eyes at Logan. "It's not what you think Rogue, he and Jean are saying good-bye. She and I are leaving tonight." The news hit my chest like a punch, and left me breathless for a moment. Logan took the opportunity to speak. "He was at the door, ready to chase you the moment you slammed it but Jean wouldn't let him go. You should have seen and heard him Rogue, he turned back to her with the most evil look in his eyes, I think it even scared her. He called her horrible things, worse than you recounted to me, when he was angry with you. He cursed her for every betrayal, and every moment of pain that it had brought to you, not himself. He would have gone right through her to get to you, but she reached out to him with her mind, at least I think that's what she did, because he stopped ranting all of a sudden, and just looked at me and told me to find you and to stop you from going."

The image of this happening filled my head, but the anger still held sway, and I could not open my heart to him.

"He loves you Rogue, swore it up and down to Jean."

"If he loved me he would have trusted me, he wouldn't have hurt me like he did." And that was where the real ache in my heart was stemming from, I knew I was going to start crying, and I couldn't keep up the level of fury in my voice any longer.

"That isn't the real Scott Rogue, not the man we have worked with all these years." He sat down beside me on the bed.

"Maybe it wasn't the real Scott then, but it certainly is now Logan. Xavier's death changed us all, and I am sorry if his hurt was collateral damage from it, but he had the choice to think and do as he did. You would never have done that Logan. As angry as you have been with other people, you know the difference in who is your enemy, and you have never taken that anger out on another person."

"On a few inanimate objects mind you." He tried to smile.

"I'll give you that Logan, but I think, with the job we do, we have the right to go after a few inanimate objects once in awhile. He didn't have a right to blame me for what happened, or to try to hurt me."

"You're right Rogue, he didn't, but he wasn't himself, I could see it after you left, when you said you loved him, and then slammed the door in his face he looked like he was going to completely fall apart."

"Don't defend him Logan."

"Then let me defend myself." The voice was soft, from my shattered doorway, and I looked up into Scott's face. I knew there were tear-streaked paths down my cheeks, but to look at him now was to feel a renewal of the anger that had fed my first outburst. He spoke to Logan first. "She's ready to go now." Logan simply nodded at him, and stood.

"Bye Rogue." He stammered, I could see in his eyes that there was more he wanted to say, needed to say, but the words were failing him.

"I know how to find you Logan, I'll just follow the bar fights north to Canada." He pulled me into a bear hug, wrapping his massive arms around my head and crushing me against his chest. "I promise, I'll find you when I need you."

"I know Rogue, but it won't stop me missing you any less."

I whispered into his ear, out of Scott's hearing range, "Go and be happy, at least one of us deserves that." He tousled my hair, and kissed the top of my head.

"You deserve it too Rogue." And he was gone and I was left with Scott.

I wiped the tears that I had shed for Logan out of my eyes and turned on him.

"Get out."

"No."

"Why won't anyone around here listen to me?"

"Because I need to apologize to you."

"Fine."

"Marie I am so sorry for what I did. It was a huge mistake."

"You're right, it was a huge mistake, you've apologized, now get out. And stop calling me Marie, you don't have enough respect for me to get to call me by that name."

"Logan has never called you by that name?" It seemed an incongruous, matter of fact statement, but neither of us was really thinking straight at that point.

"You are the only one I ever shared it with Scott, the only one I felt a deep enough connection to, to share that part of myself with. My lover." I let the words fall from my lips slowly, because I knew it would hurt him.

"Where will you go?"

"I don't know yet, maybe someplace cold, like Alaska, where people wear gloves and parkas all the time, and I could fit right in. Or maybe the Middle East, I'll just wrap myself in a burka and the whole world will be protected from me."

"You'd leave a trail of dead terrorists in your wake." He tried to make a joke, I wasn't having it. He tried a different tack. "I'd come and find you."

"No you wouldn't."

"I love you Marie, and you love me, you said it yourself."

"It doesn't matter Scott, you don't trust me."

"But it will be better now."

"Because he's gone?" I shook my head, "I don't think so Scott. You thought I could betray you, even after I gave you my word, my body, and my heart. You will simply find something else to fixate on the next time. Am I getting emails from him, or someone else, what does it mean when I laugh on the phone? You don't trust me."

"But I do, you have to let me prove that to you."

"I don't have to do anything anymore Scott. Except leave."

"There has to be a way for me to show you that it wasn't you, it was never you that I didn't trust."

I turned away from him, and picked up my bag again from the floor.

"Please just go away Scott, this is already killing me."

There was silence, but I knew he was still behind me, so I turned to him, one last time. The look in his eyes was sad, but there was a odd light to them as well, and I didn't know what it meant at the time, but now I know it had been acceptance, but not of what I would have guessed back then. As he had done before, he crossed the few steps that fell between us, and he took my wrists, this time very gently, and before I realized what he was doing, he slid his bare hands up my arms, beneath my sleeves, and whispered a quick 'forgive me my love' then pushed his unprotected mouth onto mine. The force of him pushed me backwards, and so I could not immediately break his grasp, and when I had recovered from the stumble it was too late, I could feel his life draining into me, he was not resisting at all. I felt the burn behind my eyes again, and felt the queasiness of the other entity entering my consciousness. I threw him off me, and I heard him hit the floor, the beams erupted from my eyes tearing through the walls before I could close them, and I began to scream.


	17. Chapter 17: Mindset

Thanks for the wonderful reviews over the last few days, it's so great to know that people are liking where this story is taking me.

Part 17

It was dark, but I didn't feel like I was alone, on the contrary, even though I couldn't see it, something felt just 'comfortable' around me, and it took me a few moments of stumbling around to figure out what it was.

"Scott?"

"Yes, it's me Marie."

"What's going on? I thought I asked you to leave."

"I couldn't, I had to make you understand."

Things were coming back to me now, I remembered the taste of the anger in my mouth, bitter, like blood, and the upset, that made it sting so much more.

"What have you done?"

"The only thing I could do Marie. I had to show you everything, so you would forgive me."

"Oh God Scott," further recollection was settling in, "what have you done?" I was feeling the panic rise.

"I've given you my memories, so you could see the truth."

It was then I realized that I wasn't talking to Scott in the blackness; I was simply talking to myself. And then the images started to coalesce around me.

I could have fought them off, if I had focused, but the truth was, I wanted to see them. Part of me really did want some kind of excuse to forgive him, the part of me that wasn't mired in anger, and grief, and pain. So it was the hopeless romantic against the hypocrite, and I guess I wanted to see who was going to win. I hadn't even thought at that time, about the ramifications of me having so many of his memories that he seemed like another person in my head; usually that deep an immersion only meant one thing, but my subconscious was keeping that thought from me as I allowed the Scott construct to guide me.

He took me to the first moment, the day of the funeral, when he had discovered the two of them together, in a thoughtless moment in her lab. The door was not locked, and he hadn't thought anything of it; only that she wasn't working on cerebro, which he hadn't expected her to be doing. He had gone to comfort her, she had drifted away so quickly after the services, leaving him to deal with the dignitaries who had assembled. Apparently he had not been the only man with that thought, because he had seen them, on top of one of the lab tables, and there had been no mistaking what was happening. I tried to steer him away from the imagery, I had no need to see that, what I needed, what was important that I understand, was the way it had made him feel. I felt the fury in his chest, but more than that, I felt a terrible misery as he closed the door as quietly as he had opened it. He buried the rage under a mask of business because he hadn't known what else to do. And he had continued to hope, even as the thoughts tore him apart, that she might yet come to him, admit the tryst, and try to move on. He thought at the beginning that he could have forgiven her. But so quickly that capacity left him. She admitted to nothing, yet continued to crawl into bed beside him at night, and even initiated love making as if all was well, and they were still the partners that they had always been. It was only when she grew careless, and he began to smell Logan on her, the cigars, the wildness, that he began to feel most miserable, and played upon. I watched and felt through him the anger at being treated as the fool; but the incapacity to find a solution to the emotions, because he was so desperate to keep the X-Men together. And for all his brilliance at planning and strategy, he couldn't come up with a solution that wouldn't rip Xavier's legacy apart. He began at that time, to construct the fantasies about me, but when he realized that I too was sleeping with Logan, he finally found an outlet for his rage; me. And though his hatred of me was outwardly palpable, the hope provoked by the fantasies continued; I felt it all from his perspective, as we had come to a head in his office. And then I felt the honest relief pour from his soul. I had suspected that perhaps he had been playing me at the start, determined to have his revenge on Jean and Logan. But that was not the case, I was simply his way of coping, and had been long before he let me know about it. I was to be the method by which he would heal, and he had truly appreciated my honesty about him. I felt sick to my stomach that I had doubted him.

Then he took me further, or more correctly I should say, I took myself further into his memories. It came to the morning when all hell had finally broken loose; and I saw what I had only surmised until then. Jean had come to his office that morning, she had not been with Logan the previous night of course, I had, and she had finally told him that she wanted to leave, him, the mansion and the X-Men. But still, she had not been honest with him about the reasons. I could only suspect that it was to spare his feelings, but Scott needed the truth, and when he didn't get it the rage began to build again. He had sought me out, to help him, but when he had first knocked on my door there had been no answer. He had searched for me, but had found only Logan, groggy and hunting for coffee, far later in the morning than was normal for him to be just getting up. He became suspicious, letting his fears cloud his judgment, and he had returned to my room, and that time, had opened my door with his key. He saw me, still sleeping, and had even taken a few steps towards me, to wake me, when he smelled the cigars. Of course, I had spent the whole night in Logan's room, I hadn't showered when I had got back, I was too exhausted, and I had left the clothes I had been wearing in a heap. For him the smell was unmistakable, and from it he drew the only conclusion his grief-stricken mind would allow. And I knew the rest. Oh God, now what was I going to do?

I felt like I was suffocating, there was something over my head, something oppressive, something I had to get off me. I knew my hands had flown up violently, and I had begun to claw at my face when another hand clamped down over them, and a voice told me to stop. I was still only half conscious, and I struggled against the voice and person who was keeping me from freeing myself. Where was I, why couldn't I see, what the hell was going on?

"Rogue, stop, please. I'll help you get the bandages off, but just wait until I can get you your glasses." Glasses? My glasses? Oh dear god, it was starting to come to me. The voice was Logan's, as were the hands, and when I opened my eyes it was to a world now bathed in red; and I was horrified. "We don't know how long you are going to retain his powers, that's why we had you bandaged." Logan was trying to explain things to me, I think I had heard only every second word or so. His powers; Scott's laser beams, how long? Oh God. How long? My thoughts were jumbled, rushing into my now conscious mind like a waterfall, or better, a maelstrom. I turned to Logan, and he helped me to sit, and it was then that I could see I was in the infirmary.

"Where is Scott?" Was my first real question to him.

"He's here too, in a private room."

"Is he alive?"

"Yes."

"Then take me to see him so I can kill him."

Logan chuckled to himself. I failed to see the humor at that time. And Logan's attempt at it failed on its own a moment later as he continued to speak.

"We don't know if he's going to survive Rogue." The reality hit me in the chest like a sledgehammer.

"I didn't do this to him Logan, not by choice."

"We know."

"He just let himself go, I couldn't stop him. Mostly mutants fight a bit when they feel the pull, it gives me time to back off, but he didn't fight, he just gave up, he didn't give me enough time to stop him."

"We know. Jean and I found you both afterwards, we heard the laser bursts and thought that Scott had, well, we weren't really sure what Scott had done, but we knew it was probably bad. When we got to your room, you were on the ground, screaming, clutching your hands to your eyes, and he was unconscious. I couldn't calm you, and so Jean did something, and you passed out. Then she went into both your minds and saw the whole thing. So, we know, and no one blames you."

"Oh God Logan, how could he do this to me?"

"I don't know Rogue."

I stumbled over words trying to put together the coherent thought, a question that I wanted someone to answer. "Everywhere I go, I have to be covered, practically head to foot, I don't dare go out without gloves for fear of hurting someone accidentally, and now? Oh Logan," I tried to put my hand to my eyes to stop the tears that were threatening, but they hit the lenses of the glasses instead. "Now I can't even open my eyes safely. I don't even have that. I'm never going to be able to see the world the right way around again, colors are gone except for red, how could he take that away from me? How could he leave me unable to touch and unable to see?" I was shaking, I was so miserable, and Logan pulled into his tight embrace, but he couldn't keep the reality out.

"How could he do this to me?"

"We'll think of something darlin' I promise, we'll think of something." He just rocked me back and forth while I let this possible new reality settle over me. "Lately Scott has just seemed to become a 'shoot first, and ask questions later' kind of person." I sniffled. "I'm sure he never considered the ramifications of his actions."

I wanted to start screaming about what a selfish bastard he was, but I couldn't form the words, because I understood what he had done, and why. There was something else, much deeper than my misery had allowed me to see initially; perhaps it was his nature that was coming out in me as my emotions made it so much harder to control him. He had left me the essence of what was unique about him, and while I was now miserable, he had known that I would understand the gift eventually. Damn, that had to be him talking, because my mind wasn't done being angry yet. I pushed rational aside and pulled the covers back from over top me. I wasn't wearing my own clothing anymore I noticed, I wasn't wearing much at all in fact, just the blue hospital scrubs I had seen on the staff. I looked up at Logan, and motioned down at the outfit, widening my eyes, and cocking my head in question to him. He grinned sheepishly at me.

"You never miss an opportunity do you Logan?"

"So sue me, I am a lover of the female form, and mostly immune to you."

"You really are an insufferable sot, you know that right?"

"You sure that's Scott in your head? Because that sounded a lot like Charles right there."

"Oh trust me Logan, what Scott wants to call you I can't repeat in open company."

"Really?"

The tone of my voice changed as I let the Scott persona speak. "Keep your filthy hands off my Marie you god-damned, f***ing animal, because if you don't I will use my gifts to take off your f***ing head. And I understand that is one injury that your mighty healing powers can't save you from."

Logan looked at me, just a little ashen. "Damn," he swore under his breath, "Scooter has a set."

"And he hates when you call him Scooter."

"Noted."

"Now please Logan, take me to see him."


	18. Chapter 18:A new administration

Thank you again for the reviews, favs and emails. They have made me feel just wonderful.

Part 18

Jean was sitting with him when I came in. They had bandaged his eyes the same way they had done mine, and he looked like he was simply asleep, except for the monitors on his chest, and clipped to his fingers. The machines were well disguised, so the room looked familiar and comfortable, not the usual jarring hospital suite of wires and mechanical noises and sterile walls, flooded with white light. Jean tried to smile at me when I came in, but the sight of me in Scott's glasses was overwhelming for her, she let her eyes drift back to his form, silent on the bed.

"How is he?" I asked reverently, paying tribute to the general silence of the space.

"He's still here, his body is breathing on its own, heart is pumping, he seems to be healing, slowly from the transference. But I can't reach his mind yet, not fully. It's like I'm holding onto a loose thread in his memory, something he is clinging to as well, but I can't seem to move him past that point in time."

"Will he hear me if I talk to him?"

"Not yet I don't think, I can't get any response from him at all." She finally looked back at me. "I'm sorry Rogue. I shouldn't have let this happen."

I couldn't offer her the absolution her soul needed, not that I had any right to judge her actions, but I thought, well, the Scott within me thought that things could have played out so much more differently. And but for the choices that she and Logan had made, we would not be here. Not that I held myself blameless: my outburst had been as much of a reaction to unexplored emotions as his had been. I didn't have the right to judge anyone; if we all could have been more honest from the beginning, well, there was nothing we could do about that now.

"Thank you for helping us both." It was as honest a statement as I could make.

"I couldn't do anything less."

"How long have you been here?"

"I suppose it's been almost two days."

"By yourself?"

"No, Emma Frost has come in for a few hours to let me sleep a bit."

"She was one of the fourth years who wanted to do the sword training course."

"She's a very keen student, and an adept telepath for her age. I wish I had known about her skills before this, I could have taken the time to teach her more about Cerebro."

"There may still be time."

"I think I shall have to try and make it."

I pulled up a chair to sit across the bed from her, Scott still between us, I let my gloved hand rest on his forearm and I looked at him.

"You still love him don't you Jean?"

"I suppose I will always love him. We had so much together."

"Yeah, I can understand that."

"Kind of like you and Logan?"

"Well, we certainly have had a lot of adventures I suppose, but he's never been in love with me; not the way that he loves you."

"But you love him?"

"He's my best friend, the closest thing I've ever had to a kindred spirit; if loners can be said to have connections like that. I suppose, maybe not that long ago I could have loved him passionately, and would have loved it if he could have felt that way about me. But not now."

There was a voice behind us. "Awkward moment?" I turned and smiled to Logan.

"I can't imagine that the four of us could ever have anything more awkward than what we've already been through. So it doesn't matter to me if you know the truth of what I once dreamed about. All that is in the past. Besides, I'm glad you're here, I need you to do me a favor."

"Anything darlin'"

"Can you get the students assembled for me? After two days of rumors and conjecture I think I need to talk to them about what has happened, and how we are going forward."

Jean smiled at me, "You sound just like him Rogue. He's made a good choice."

"Just give me a half hour to get a uniform on, and I'll talk to them all in the dinning room ok Logan?"

"You got it boss."

I leaned over Scott and kissed him on the head. "I'll be back soon my love, please don't go anywhere without me."

The only outfit that seemed appropriate was the black X-Men uniform. After I had showered, with my eyes shut, I got dressed and stared at myself in the foggy bathroom mirror. The glasses sucked, not so eloquent a choice of words, but they sucked. Though they didn't go so badly with the bodysuit, they just still looked so wrong on me. I wondered out loud if there was any chance of getting contacts made. But I was just stalling. Time to face the school, and do what I was supposed to do.

"Hey everyone, I know you've probably been wondering about what's going on around here lately, and I believe that it's time that you had some answers. So if it's ok, I'm going to try to give you some, and if you could just let me finish then I'll try to answer your questions after."

I was standing on a table, possibly not the most dignified pose for someone pretending to be the headmistress of a private school, but we didn't have a stage, or a podium, and I thought that that would be the best way to have everyone able to see me at once. I was receiving more than the odd stare at my changed appearance, and, truth be told, the sound of my voice, since most of the first years had never even heard me before, and many of the others hadn't heard me speak properly in a very long time. But they were all polite at least.

"Two days ago there was an accident, and Professor Summers was hurt very gravely. Most of you know that my powers involve being able to steal mutant abilities by touching someone, and quite obviously, you can see, that touching me injured Professor Summers. For the time being I have his abilities, which is why you are going to see me wearing his glasses. We don't know how long I am going to retain the powers, or how long Professor Summers is going to take to recover. We all have high hopes that both matters will be resolved very quickly. I want to reassure you that there was no malice on either part in this accident, or obviously, the other professors wouldn't be letting me stand here talking to you all. In the interim, while we wait for everyone to recover we are going to try to get things a bit more back to normal around here. Classes will start again tomorrow; Professor Logan and I will be dividing Professor Summer's classes between us. Dr. Grey won't be doing her classes for a little while longer, so during those periods you can have free study, or if the Danger Room isn't booked, you can run your class programs, one of us will make ourselves available to supervise, or you can find a fourth year student. The sword and hand weapon classes with me will start this Friday afternoon in the quad as long as the weather holds, otherwise we'll meet in the Danger Room; two o'clock. I'll be looking for some volunteers to spar with for demonstrations, so if you want to give it a go, let me know. I suppose for the time being I'll be working out of Professor Summers' office if you need me, I'll either be there, or in the infirmary. I know a lot of you want to help out, and I'll apologize now, I don't know you all, and I don't know all your abilities, but if any of you has healing powers I am certain that Dr's McCoy and Grey would be pleased to have your help with Professor Summers. Your classmate Miss Frost is already assisting Dr. Grey, and if any of you could see fit to take notes for her when she has to miss class, or could remember to bring down snacks and the like to the infirmary, I know that would be appreciated by everyone. And on the note of remembering, if those of you, who do pray, could remember Professor Summers, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm sure I haven't answered all of your questions, and if you don't feel comfortable asking them here, please find any Professor, they will give you the answers you seek. But just don't be too disappointed if the answer you get is 'it's none of your business' this isn't a free for all folks." There was a bit of laughter at that remark, and I felt pretty good about my first speech to the group.

"Now, does anyone have a question I can answer?" There was a palpable silence for a few moments, then a small voice from near the front.

"What should we call you?" I hadn't thought of that.

"Professor Rogue?" I shrugged my shoulders. Then there was another, bolder question.

"Is Professor Summers inside your head right now?"

"In a manner of speaking, I suppose he is, or some of his memories are. The person, the soul that is Scott Summers is still in his body."

"Is he going to live?"

I took a moment to answer that one, debating internally if I should tell them the truth. "I hope so, we all hope so. But we really don't know just yet. I'm sorry, I don't have a better answer for you."

After that answer there weren't any other questions, at least not for me, so I thanked them all sincerely for coming, and reiterated that anyone could come and talk to me privately, or any of the other professors. After that I went back to Scott's office, to check his teaching schedule, and see what I had gotten myself into. I left the door open, and heard a soft knock as I was going through his curriculum, with his memories I had all his passwords, I'd have to remind him to change them all when he woke up. I looked up to see Gambit at the door.

"Come on in."

"You mentioned you were looking for a sparring partner?"

I smiled, "yes, I did. Would you like to volunteer?"

"Oui." His Cajun accent was delightful to me, I didn't have a lot of fond memories of home, but the richness of the people of the New Orleans and Louisiana was one of them. I had to admit I had heard tell of his prowess with the quarterstaff.

"Have you used katanas before?"

"Some, I think I can manage."

"Where did you get your training?"

"The streets, 'ow about you?"

"Japanese martial arts." I didn't feel the need to tell him that those powers had been acquired much in the same way that I had acquired Scott's. My life before the X-Men hadn't been easy, but that history wasn't unique to the denizens of the mansion.

"Perhaps we should practice before Friday?"

"A good idea Gambit, but," I paused, "but there are a few things I need to take care of right now, could we meet this evening?"

"Oh, and where would you be meeting this young man?" Another familiar voice turned my attention.

"Hello Logan, Gambit and I were just discussing some practicing before class."

"Then my timing is excellent." He tossed something at me. I caught it, another pair of ruby glasses, but these ones quite different than the others I had seen Scott wear. "You'll need a set for fighting that won't fall off." I examined them. The visor looked quite similar to Scott's uniform set but it wasn't part of a hood, instead it had a band around them, slipping over my head like a streamlined pair of ski goggles.

"Where did these come from?"

"Oh, they were in the armory, Scott tried them out ages ago, when he wanted his cover boy hair to wave in the breeze." I sneered at Logan.

"Have I ever told you how annoying you are Logan?"

"Once or twice that I recall."

"Well thank you anyways for the glasses, it was a kind thought."

"Just trying to protect the students you know, it wouldn't do to have you," and then he stopped speaking, realizing that what he was about to say would have greatly upset me.

"Look gentlemen, I'm going to go down to the infirmary to see Scott."

"Nothing's changed Rogue, you know Jean will let us both know the moment something does."

"I just want to see him again."

"Go and spar with Gambit, you're already dressed for it, the exercise will do you good."

"Logan, I just need to,"

"He knows you love him Rogue, let Jean and Emma keep working." Surprisingly I didn't feel terribly awkward discussing all of this in front of a student. If anything, it demonstrated that I really was human; despite what rumors might have been flying around. "Go." I nodded to Logan.

"You good to go now Gambit?"

"Certainment."

We headed out to the Danger Room.


	19. Chapter 19: Intimacy

Part 19

It had been four days since I had woken and Scott had not, despite Logan's admonishments I had spent every free moment at his bedside, and even though Jean continued to maintain that he could not hear me, I continued to talk to him. I had just finished my first sword class, and I wanted to tell him all about it. Emma had missed it, but Jean had needed sleep more than anything else, and so it made sense. Gambit had promised to help her catch up, and I knew his motives weren't completely altruistic, but it didn't matter. It was a good thing to see some semblance of normalcy come back into the mansion. And I regretted my part in hindering it over the past year.

"Hello Miss Frost." She opened her eyes and smiled at me. I could see it was taking a great deal out of not only Jean, maintaining Scott as they had been.

"I'm so sorry there hasn't been any change Professor Rogue."

"So am I Miss Frost, but I do thank you for all the efforts you are making on our behalf."

"You're welcome." I appreciated that Emma knew how to take gratitude. So many people shrugged it off now a days with a 'no problem' or 'no worries' or their equivalent, it was nice that she knew how to take the complement in the sense it was offered.

"Do you mind if I ask about what he's thinking about right now?" I hadn't actually asked Jean, and she had not offered anything.

"Of course not, he's thinking about the last fight in his office. - "You say I haven't been honest with you Scott?! Well maybe you're right, there was one thing I never told you, I love you Scott Summers, I never told you that! And I sure as hell hope the bruises on my arm last for a very long time, so that every time I look in the mirror and see them I can be reminded of what an idiot I was to ever feel that way about you!"-" Her voice sounded much calmer than mine as she repeated my outburst. It made my whole body shiver.

"I'm so sorry that you were drawn into this Miss Frost, if there was any way I could free you from it I would."

"Eavesdropping on intimate thoughts is sadly part of the territory with telepaths. It would make your hair curl to hear about some of the things I overheard before Dr. Grey starting helping me shut it out."

"I suppose eh?"

"Oh my God, you hear the stories about men thinking about sex like every eleven seconds? Well, I have met those guys, and it gets just gross sometimes."

"I just wish I could get my own head in there and slap him good so he'd snap out of this loop and come back to me." I was speaking to Emma but looking at Scott. "But sadly, that power eludes me."

"Maybe I could get in there?" I cocked my head, curious to hear more. "I might be able to push him on, but I don't know what I could give him to focus on that Dr. Grey hasn't already tried."

An answer wasn't long in coming. "You need one of my memories don't you? A memory of the both of us together, so displace this last one."

"It might work."

"Can you take something like that from my head?"

"I don't know, I've never tried projecting someone else's thoughts before, perhaps it would be better for Dr. Grey to try?"

"I don't know if I could do that to her, give her a memory of myself and her husband."

Emma nodded her head, "yes, I suppose it would be better for me to do that one."

"But I don't know if I could give you the memory either. Hearing me scream at him over and over is far different than having to watch the two of us."

"I think I could manage."

"But how would you, could you, ever look at either of us the same way again?"

"I guess I wouldn't, but it would be worth it to have him back wouldn't it?" Her logic was selfishly valid. "Look at it this way, you would trust Logan, Kurt, Storm, even Jean with your life as part of the X-Men wouldn't you? If you were injured and exposed to them it wouldn't matter to you would it? They are your teammates; it would just be a part of the job right? And you wouldn't hesitate to do whatever was necessary to help any of them would you, even if it meant exposing an intimacy?"

"No, I wouldn't."

"One day I'll be a member of that team, I hope, and we will have the same trust won't we?"

"I certainly hope so."

"Then let me do this for the team."

"Ok."

"Find me a memory."

I searched back in my mind, trying to decide which one would give me the chance to prove to him that it was worth coming back. It had to be the first time, we had both been ruled by passion and desire, there had been no doubt for either of us in that moment back in his office, so long ago it seemed.

"I have it Emma."

"Then give it to me Marie."

I closed my eyes and felt her gently reach out to my mind, she was so much kinder than Jean, perhaps because she still doubted her own powers and took things hesitantly. I watched the images pass just as she did, and I knew I was crying, I was getting better at wiping them from my face without messing up the glasses. I took her through everything, the declaration of the fantasies, the silk scarf, and the kisses, through having him lay me back on his desk, to the act itself and all the emotions it brought us both. I even gave her the first unprotected kiss, and the first time I had had to don the glasses. And then I stopped. I opened my eyes, the world was still blurred by the tears and I knew my chest was heaving with sobs. What surprised me was that she was crying too.

"How could you not love him?"

"I was lost from that moment wasn't I?"

"Yes you were, and rightly so. What a beautiful thing you have you two. I will bring him back to you Marie."

"Thank you Emma."

I watched her then, and she put her hands onto his face, and she closed her eyes. She seemed to be concentrating so hard, and when I saw the tears begin again, I could not stop my own. I had to have him back.

"I can't do this alone Scott, you have to come back to me." I whispered it like a prayer. "I love you Scott."

Emma's voice whispered, "say it again." At first I did not understand if she was speaking to me. "Say it again." She repeated.

"I love you Scott." I grasped his hand, hoping that the request was at the root of some kind of success.

"I'm almost there, say something else to him."

"Oh Scott, I'm so sorry for ever doubting you, I need you. I want you here with me." I might have imagined it, but his fingers seemed to move in my grasp. "I can't live without you." Tears were falling onto the bed from both of us by then, I was sure that Emma was now tuned into us both, looking for every memory she could to flood his mind and make him want to come back. "Scott, wake up."

Then there was a small voice, not very strong yet, from a throat cracked with dryness. "Why are you two crying?"

"Oh God Scott!" I must have screamed it louder than I thought because there was a commotion from the other room, and Dr. McCoy was suddenly crowding into the room.

"What's happened?" His voice was a mixture of professional concern and not so professional anxiety.

"You tell me Doc?"

I flung myself down onto Scott, kissing the top of his head desperately, "Oh Scott, you crazy fool, don't ever leave me like that again!" I felt his arm wrap around me.

"I won't ever leave you Marie, you're stuck with me now."

Emma had moved aside to allow Dr. McCoy to get in and check Scott's vitals. Logan now had her around the shoulders and was visibly holding her up.

"Is she ok Logan?"

"I'll be fine Marie, look after Scott."

"Logan, have Jean check her over, get her whatever she needs."

"You got it boss." He swept her up in his arms and took her out, presumably to another bed. I was certain Jean would be on her way momentarily.

"You need to let go of his hand now Rogue, I can't get an accurate heartbeat with you in contact with him." I put it down softly on the bed, and confined myself to staring at his face, as the color seemed to be coming back into it.

"Do you need anything my darling?"

"Something to drink perhaps."

"You two be quiet!"

We smiled at each other for the few more moments that it took Hank to finish.

"I'll send in one of the nurses with some water for you, and we'll get another IV hung to rehydrate you before I let you eat solids." He was then gone, and we had a moment alone.

"Did it work?" He asked me.

"Did what work?"

"My plan to make you forgive me?"

I wanted to smack him right then, but held back.

"I forgive you."

"You're still wearing the glasses?"

"Your powers haven't faded yet."

"How long has it been?"

"Six days."

"Oh my love, I am sorry, I never meant for them to persist like that."

"I know."

"And you can forgive me that too?"

"I will make you spend the rest of your life making it up to me."

"I accept."

"I love you Scott."

"I love you too Marie."

The nurse came in with some water, followed closely by Jean.

"Is Emma ok?" I asked for us both.

"Exhausted, but fine, Logan's taken her back to her room to rest. She did a fine job. I'm so glad you are ok Scott."

"Thank you." His voice was still weak, but there was no animosity in it.

"I'll leave you two alone then."

"Will you and Logan be leaving?"

"We'll wait a few more days Scott, just to make sure you are ok. You should ask Rogue about what she's been up to, she's done a wonderful job running things around here while you were unable."

"I have no doubt of it." He smiled at me, and took my hand again. "Keep in touch Jean, and tell Logan the same thing. No matter what has happened between all of us, we are a family." Jean said nothing else, and left us.


	20. Chapter 20: Things get back to normal

Thanks for the journey folks, I hope you enjoyed my musings. This will be the last chapter of this story; unless I come up with some more conflict along the way somewhere. I'll be back in the comic genre in awhile, but I have some original fiction to edit, and a Harry Potter story I am playing with.

Thanks for the reviews!

Merick

Part 20

Scott stayed under the watchful gaze of Dr. McCoy for another two days, getting rehydrated, and working up to solid food slowly. Just before he was released Logan and Jean packed up his truck and left for Canada. My parting from Logan had not been as miserable as the first attempt. Now we all knew that he and Jean would not be lost to us forever, and that we could expect to keep in touch. No one believed that Jean and Scott would be exchanging regular emails, but she would be communicating with Emma who was going to take up Xavier's work at finding mutants and offering them a place with us. Logan and I knew we were going to be speaking regularly, and Scott had encouraged it, we both knew how valuable the Wolverine was as friend and ally. And for me, he too, would always be a part of my soul, just as Scott now was. Scott knew he could no more ask me to cut all ties to him, than he could ask me to cut off my hands.

I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but the last morning that I was to wake up without him, saw the disappearance of the laser beams from my eyes. Inwardly I was grateful that I could stop wearing the glasses, and that I could see the world without its red tint once again, but to comment on that happiness would have been to deal a blow to Scott, as this was his gift, and one that he cherished as part of his identity. But it was good to be me again.

I spent the morning clearing my papers from Scott's desk. There weren't a lot, but enough that it interfered with the flow of his office. I didn't mind, it would be good to give the mantle back to the man to whom it belonged. I did find, over that week, that I had enjoyed teaching the students, and with Logan now gone, I had decided to take over all his classes. The students had been surprisingly supportive, after only knowing the whole me for those few days, I found they liked me. Perhaps it was because they had seen the human me; if I could use that pun, from my very lowest, to my best. I left it to them to choose which was which.

I was just finishing putting them into a pile to take back to my room when there was a knock on the door, it was open; I had always left it that way when I was inside. I looked up to see Scott.

"Hey, I thought I was going to come down and get you for lunch?"

"McCoy turned his back so I made a break for it." He was so much better. You might never know that he had nearly died less than two weeks earlier. "Can I come in?"

"Well of course, it's your office." He smiled at me; something was up. He closed the door behind him and bolted it.

"It looks pretty good now doesn't it?"

"Yeah." I came over to him and put an arm around his waist, he draped his over my shoulder.

"Ready to make some memories here Watson?" I caught the reference immediately.

"Absolutely Holmes." He leaned into me and kissed my head.

"Thank you."

"For what my lover?" I felt him tremble when I called him that.

"For saying with me that whole time, after everything I did. You could have so easily written me off, you should have been so angry with me."

"I was." I took his hand and led him over to the window, to look out on the day, summer was coming on, and everything was so green and alive. "I hated you for about fifteen minutes."

He laughed. Gambit ran across the lawn outside the window, closely followed by Emma, a katana in her hands. I wondered what he had done this time.

"For the first time, in a very long time I feel like things are going to be ok Marie."

"It does kind of feel like that doesn't it?"

Emma ran back across the lawn, Gambit in pursuit with a quarterstaff.

"The students are happy aren't they?"

"I think so Scott."

"Let's not do the memorial service this year ok?" I knew that he was speaking about Jean's plans to have an event to mark the first year without Xavier, to share memories. It had been longer than the year by that point, but things had been left because of the upheaval of the past weeks.

"I think he would prefer it if we remembered him by continuing to build our family here, and by being happy." Scott nodded.

"I need to ask you something else."

"Ok."

"Move your stuff into my room, I don't want to spend another morning waking up without you. We can make it ours, like we did the office."

"I'd love too."

He pulled me away from the window. "Come there with me now, I want to make love to you."

"Now?"

"Yes now, it's been too long, it felt like I was away from you for an eternity."

"Carefully though, I can't take anymore chances with losing you."

"I promise."

The room was nearly empty; it was easy to see what part of it had been Jean's. Scott was so organized; I hoped he realized what he was getting himself into by inviting me to share this part of his life with him. It was not that I had any particular aversion to order, I just couldn't be bothered with it most of the time, I had so few possessions, it was easy to keep track of them, even if they were scattered.

"We'll go shopping this afternoon, get stuff that can be just ours." He offered. I didn't much care whose sheets were on the bed, that kind of stuff just wasn't that important, I had learned the truth of what was important over the last four weeks.

"C'mere." I beckoned to him as I backed towards the bed. He followed. I had taken to wearing my training uniforms most days; I liked to feel a part of the team. His hands lit on the clasps at my neck, pulling them open. I let him tug off the sleeves so I could stand before him, bare from the waist up. I heard him draw in his breath.

"I had nearly forgotten how beautiful you are." He walked around me as I stood still, I felt his hands on my hair, he pulled out the clip that held it and it fell long over my shoulders and chest. "Better." He muttered to himself. As he came back around to face me he was pulling off his shirt, which he cast to the floor. So much for tidy. His chest was heaving up and down as I watched him, I could feel the electric passions building between us and I pushed down the rest of my uniform, stepping from it. He came to me, still in his jeans, and my hands went to him, pulling him to my hips so I could feel his desires against me. My own breaths were beginning to come harder.

"Do you want me?" I cooed into his ear.

"More than anything Marie."

"Then take me my lover." I lay back on the bed, and watched as his jeans joined his shirt on the floor. He came to hover over me, as I lay, in only a pair of white panties on the sheets.

"Touch me?"

I brought my hands up to rest on the front of his calvins, damn, he looked so hot, I would have pulled them off with my teeth if it hadn't been so dangerous. I stroked my fingers over him, feeling his body respond to me with delightful little spasms, and vocal moans. I pushed against him harder, feeling my own body beginning to respond to the arousal I was provoking in his.

"I need to feel you inside me." I was nearly breathless as I asked.

He pulled a sheet over me and cast aside his underwear, I did the same. I felt him rub against me and I arched involuntarily into him in anticipation.

"I love you Marie." And he pushed himself inside me, and it was my turn to moan in complete pleasure. He rocked against me, thrusting deeper with his building passions. I was in bliss, and caught up in my own desperate need to release myself to him that I could hardly respond. He only smiled. His eyes were absolutely glowing. "Give yourself to me my love." And I did, crying out with pleasure.

We lay together, afterwards, me wrapped in his arms and the bedclothes, my head resting on his perfect chest.

"Promise me it will be like this forever Scott." I knew it was unreasonable pillow talk, but it that moment, it was what I needed.

"I promise you my love, my Marie, it will always be like this. And I will always be honest with you."

"And I with you my lover."

And we drifted off for a peaceful sleep with the summer sun streaming in the half opened shutters of our room.

I stood in front of the marble block again, again with my two glasses and my bottle of port. I sat down, in the twilight, and poured us each a glass. I toasted Charles Xavier again, as I would continue to do for years to come, and I tipped out his glass for him.

"Thank you Charles, it took me a while to find the person you always knew I would be, and it was a bumpy road, with no end of broken bones and hearts along the way, but I'm here, and I'm alive, and I'm better than I was. Which I think is all you meant for all of us. It was a wonderful dream, it still is a wonderful dream. Thank you for letting me be part of it. I know you're watching over us all the time, and I just know that you have to be happy with the way we finally found ourselves. However it was that we got here."

I finished my port and gathered up my things to head back inside. I had a Danger Room program to input, and a lover waiting for me in bed.


End file.
